Hi Anonymous

Sometimes feelings of guilt and shame are used as punishments. It seems to me that you are punishing yourself right now, for your mistake.

But do you deserve punishment? It is helpful? Are there any alternatives? What is there to learn from the experience?

It seems to me, the only lesson you can take away from this is understanding that drinking can lead to uncharacteristic behaviour for you.

I also experience uncharacteristic behaviour when drinking too much. My personal limit is 3 drinks. I know that I can control my behaviour within this range.

It might be helpful for you to plan as Anita suggested how to avoid similar situations in the future. Perhaps avoid drinking around men that aren’t your partner? Or do not attend events which involve drinking without your partner present? Or set your own rule about alcohol?

My point is, other than learning from the situation, is there anything helpful to gain? It seems to me that self-punishment is only harmful. Once you have finished planning, there will be nothing left to gain from ruminating on this situation.

Perhaps you feel it is just since your partner is not able to react to the situation himself? But would he even want this? I think that your partner cares about you and would not want you to suffer.

Personally, I think that most partners would be able to forgive this situation. You have been very focused on what was said. But in the bigger picture, not focusing on the details. You simply flirted with an ex while drunk. Things didn’t progress any further than that. Whilst unpleasant, it is entirely forgivable. It is not even a large mistake, just a small one.

Do you feel that your reaction is proportional to the situation? Are you beating yourself up for what could have happened, if you didn’t stop yourself?