Thank you for your replies.

Yes, I have two very good friends, but I was referring to friendship with a partner. I’ve been divorced for almost 4 years and I miss having that best friend in my life. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I am an introvert of sorts, so it’s not easy for me to make new friends, but I am almost 45 and that’s obviously not old, but not as easy to make friends as when I was 25 =) Everyone has their own families, careers, etc. And on top of that I live in Los Angeles and everyone here too busy with their own stardom to give a damn. Very hard to meet people.

I am critical of myself because at 45 I have nothing to show for the last 45 years. The idea just makes me sick. I am a good person, I have a dog whom I love more than anything. I love my family, even though they werent always good to me. I am lucky to be alive (I had cancer a few years ago). I have my own place. I am not desperate for money per say. Yet, I feel empty. I walk around the city and see people together and all I feel is pain and bitterness. I wish them well. I am not someone who wishes people bad things, but I am very envious of people who havent done anything and aren’t that special or bright, but had it so much easier in life. I consider myself to be an intelligent person. I have good taste in music, culture, food, etc., but somewhat an outcast because I don’t conform to the crazy superficial and materialistic standards of modern society. Even my political views are seen as odd (Socially conservative, fiscally liberal). I just don’t feel like I belong and while I love spending time alone, while I love driving to nature with my dog, being free, and def happy that I don’t have kids, I feel empty because I don’t have that circle of friends. Even that a small one. My friends are busy with their lives. My parents don’t reach out as much. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like I wasted my life and even though I am working hard on many things now, I feel like it’s simply too late to achieve some of my goals that should have been achieved 10-20 years ago