@helcat,

thank you so much for your insight. once again, i feel reassured because i think you’re entirely correct. today has been a better day.

i have experienced rumination before and in similar situations. whenever i feel i’ve made a deep error/mistake, i tend to ruminate on it until i feel myself detach from the situation over time. because i feel at fault, i punish myself by replaying the situation in my head.

i mainly feel the worst in the mornings, especially when i’m alone. being with my partner makes me feel better lately. in the mornings, i feel a small guilty pain but as the day goes on, it tends to fade. i think it gets better every day. sometimes in the evenings, it’ll come back for a bit and then disappear but not often.

some stressors or triggers that remind me of that day also bring the thoughts back but i’ve been working on breaking the link between objects and my thoughts.

i like to relax by spending time with my partner, by reading, and by watching tv. i want to learn how to meditate so i can also put some emotional distance between myself and my rumination.

i especially agree with your last point. i inherently believe that not being fully honest is a bad thing and that’s why this is hurting me. it’s very painful to change these beliefs about ourselves so it’s hard for me to tell myself otherwise. but i need to remind myself that i’m not a bad person because i made a mistake or because i choose to move past it. this challenge is hard but i think it will pass over time.

i really appreciate your insight. it does wonders for my anxiety and re-grounds me. thank you again!