I can see clearly now, maybe because I am older, I cannot ignore most of the things I used to ignore in the past. However, I guess I should be able to sit with the not-comfy feeling and just be alone, observe, go on with my life. I think I try to run from that feeling, when I am not fully safe, in terms of emotions, I always try to run from it with either psychological readings, or spiritual stuff to make me feel better, hope for the better. I don’t like to sit and be pessimistic about anything, it just doesn’t make me feel any good, why do that? Therefore, I don’t sit with the bad feeling and I try to make it better by either manipulating my mind or trying to make the situation better.

And yes, regarding what I want, I always wanted to be happy and accepted, understood like everyone else. I do have a clue about what I want, but when a slight problem occurs like my partner being in a weird mood and behaving a bit differently to me, I start to feel unsafe and that affects me a lot. My motivation towards life just start to vanish. When I’m not able to feel safe with the love I have (Not sure about the expression but I’m hoping you’ll get me), I lose interest in the hobbies I like, I never want to read anything, do anything productive. I just go on with my life with the lowest effort and hope for better. It’s like my hobbies, my job, anything I like, all the things mentioned are not as important as being safe with the partner I have.

Having fixed stuff helps a little I guess, that’s something I’ve experienced in the past year. I’ve always did yoga after my breakup last year even though I felt suffocated, even though I cried during. Having at least one stable thing in your life helps, so I started yoga again, the streak is now over 30 days, and I’ll continue no matter what. I need that in my life, one thing I can count on.

I am telling here that I don’t like pessimism but I guess I am acting a bit pessimistic. It’s just when I am not safe with my feelings, I hardly see anything to be grateful about in life, that seems like the problem here. I have other stuff I’m working on to be grateful about.

You want to have a say in what happens in your life and in your relationship;  you want to be an active, reasonably-powerful part in your life and relationship, not a passive and hopeful observant. The stronger you become in your own life, the less exhausted you will be, and the lesser your fears.

Definitely, I should read these words often.

As for the spiritual thing question, I don’t know if I mentioned before but I wasn’t brought up with a religion. My parents were not religious and they have never thought me anything about it besides the need to respect others about it. So in my teen years, I considered myself as agnostic and never was interested in religions, and I was even thinking it was lame. Maybe it’s lame to follow something you are thought without questioning it, yes. But even though it did seem lame, I needed something in my life that would fill up that space. Maybe that’s another reason I have this obsession on being safe. I was not safe as other kids because I never believed in anything that would protect me. But as I grew up, I realized that I needed something but nothing persuaded me. I tried to talk with some people that are strongly religious, but when I listened to the so-called miracles they heard and saw as the reason to believe in their god, it was never enough for me.

The only thing I could see a little bit more persuading is the effects of meditation, and then again, I guess these can be explained in science as well. So I try to do my yoga and expect to be more stable, healthy and maybe have a slight effect on my “spiritualism” as people refer, so that I can be more happy. It’s like helping others at this point, or it’s like buying a bracelet to have more luck. So this is what I try to fill up this void. Doesn’t feel enough, but maybe since this is not enough, I put great importance to my emotional state and when that shatters, I am lost in that void without any will to live.