Dear Stargazer17,

You say you are still struggling mentally. One of the questions that is bothering you is whether to tell your boyfriend about the incident or not. One thing I’ve noticed is that you’re not sure how he would react, and that you believe there might be some severe losses involved:

Do I tell my boyfriend I kissed someone and risk losing my 8 year relationship, house, dog, life?

I feel like I don’t deserve the support from him after what I’ve done to him. I really feel like I’ve ruined our perfect relationship. I’m scared if I tell him I’ll really ruin what we have.

I don’t think he would leave me, which is why I think I shouldn’t mention it. Because he will live with that pain.

So the potential losses are that he gets angry with you and leaves you, and you lose your “relationship, house, dog, life”. Another possibility – according to your own predictions – is that he might not leave you, but that he would be very hurt and “would live with that pain”. Which would also have a negative effect on your relationship, even if you stayed together.

In both of those scenarios – assuming they have some probability – you wouldn’t gain anything by telling him. On the contrary, it might lead to great suffering, either for you or him, or for both of you.

And since you’re going through a difficult life situation, with your parents divorcing and you needing to take care of your younger sisters, it would just make you more stressed and fragile. That’s why I wouldn’t suggest confessing to him at this point, because it might be just too much for you.

Instead, what I see much more useful and pressing is to talk to your therapist by all means, to get it off your chest. Trust me, she won’t judge you, and you’ll be able to start the process of healing and developing more self-love and self-compassion, and stop blaming yourself so relentlessly.

Once you get emotionally stronger, you’ll be able to see your “transgression” more clearly and decide whether you want to tell your boyfriend or not. But I wouldn’t pressure myself to tell him right now – give yourself some time to work with the therapist to process and heal.