Dear aVoid,

I feel so lost and alone. I don’t know where to start. It’s like some supernatural power such as a dark cloud is hanging about my head.

I know the feeling. I first started feeling it consciously in my teenage years. It continued into my adolescence and beyond – the cloud was always there. No matter how perfect the outer circumstances where, even when I was loved and cared for by my then boyfriend, I could never be happy because of that cloud.

Later I’ve realized that the cloud – which was the relentless, ever-present sadness – wasn’t above my head, but it was deep within me, in my heart, in my soul. I was sad because I felt unloved. And not only unloved, but unlovable. There was an emptiness, a longing in my heart, which no amount of outer love and care could fill (and no amount of food either – I was suffering from an eating disorder).

This happens if we haven’t received enough love, care and appreciation as children. I certainly haven’t, I was criticized a lot and was never good enough for my mother. She wasn’t absent like your mother was, but her presence was toxic. My father was much more benign, but allowed my mother to spill her toxicity on me. He didn’t protect me.

You worry that “the monsters I’ve been fighting my whole life are who I’ve now become“.

I can relate, because I believed I was a freak. A monster. I thought I was a freak because of my addiction, but much later I’ve realized that I believed I was a freak because my mother told me so. Because she only saw bad in me, she never praised me but only scolded me. That’s how I became a freak, a pathetic loser undeserving of love – in my own eyes.

Our childhood defines us. It shapes how we see ourselves later in life.

You had a very rough childhood, aVoid, with very little love and care. And the image you’ve adopted about yourself is that of a loser, a monster, a nobody. But that image is false. It’s the reaction to the lack of love and the abuse that you’ve experienced. Because the child always blames themselves if they are treated poorly.  The child never blames the parents.

But all I want is to be a man. Is to have control over my life. I want to stop this. I want to quit smoking. I want to quit porn. I want to get out of the video games and come back to reality. But how?

First, understand that there is a child part in you – called the inner child. He is an innocent little boy, who believes that he is unworthy of love. The pain of this self-image, of this false belief, is so strong that you need to numb it with alcohol, porn, video games, and any other addiction. All of your addictions served one purpose: to numb this unbearable pain.

If you understand that this little boy needs love and appreciation, you can provide it to him. You can provide what you have never received from your parents. Once the little boy receives what he is longing for, the pain will diminish and you won’t have to numb it with addictions. It will all sort it self out, slowly but surely.

I do believe that therapy is very important, but I’d suggest you find someone who knows how to work the inner child and complex trauma (complex PTSD).

There is a way out, aVoid. You can make it, same as I did. You are not a terrible person. You are only wounded. Wounded people don’t need to be judged, they need compassion, so they can heal. Compassion is the first step…

Let me know how this sounds to you…