I cried reading this, and I couldn’t write an answer afterwards. I guess I wasn’t in the right state to say anything. Thank you for telling me about this, and I don’t know what to feel about it. I feel sad, maybe I am trying to be empathetic towards you even though I know this is much more powerful and hard comparing what I’ve been through. I was never scared of my mom killing herself or anything, she was in depression when I was 1-2 years old but afterwards she got better. She started to ignore the stuff that hurt her till she can get rid of those stuff. You praying all the time is so cruel to a kid coming from the world. I know there are lots of cruel stuff happening to kids. But I feel a bit weird. I started to feel resentment towards the situations, the people that made us feel that way in such an early age. For instance I feel a bit of an anger towards my dad for using me for his own needs, he used to tell me about his miserable loneliness just to make me go whine to my mom. He was using me to reach out to my mom, and maybe make her feel bad again hoping that she would accept him back. She resisted, thank god. But I was in the middle, getting emotional all the time thinking that my dad is in a bad condition. He was alone, he was sad.

He was not an easy person to be around, and he was strict. So I didn’t like staying with him, only me and him. It’s harder when you’re the only person around that one hard person. Maybe it was easier in the past with my mom or sister being around. But alone, not being able to communicate properly, and actually I had to think of what I’ll ask over and over again. I used to ask him about the computer years ago. I used to want to play it, but I cannot open it myself like I did at my mom’s place. I had to ask for permission, but I used to rehearse what I’ll say in my head, only after that I could ask. I didn’t feel anger towards him much in the past, I always felt sorry for him cause he created that feeling inside of my head. But I do feel it now, he is still like that. Maybe after he saw that he couldn’t get into my mom’s head, with all the guilt because of the past, he started to get sick after the divorce. Months of medicine, different diagnosis trials and then he was diagnosed with cancer. Then he managed to make everybody feel sorry for him again. It took years for him to get better, and now whenever he feels the need, he just gets a bit sick again. Sometimes it’s his waist hernia comes up, and as mom says hernia always prevented him to do heavy stuff. Mom always did the heavy stuff around the house. This seems pathetic to me, but I feel resentment, anger. And whenever he makes me feel bad on the phone, for having pain or being alone just for one day because stepmom visits her family, he annoys me and upsets me at the same time. I feel bad for him, but I just don’t buy it and I get angry. I don’t reflect the anger though, I just hold it in and try to ignore my dad’s attention seeking words or voices.