maybe you were afraid that if you ask him for something, or if you ask him the wrong way, his bad condition will get worse…? Maybe you were afraid to contribute to his bad condition.

I was never capable of hurting him, at least that was what I felt. I was afraid for myself, he was not a good communicator and he got angry real fast. He used to use violence on me, my sister and my mother. Actually I am the luckiest among them, my sister and my mom had faced much more violence than me. He got better as the divorce went on, so the physical violence ended there. But the emotional violence has never ended, was always there. His way of living is kind of violent I suppose, he know admits that he has done so many wrong stuff to my sister and my mom. But since I didn’t get that much physical violence after I was 10-11 years old, he doesn’t think that about me. He thinks that he’s done a better job with me. But the thing is I don’t bite him, I don’t fight or argue with him that much. He thinks that I am okay just because I act okay, and he is not aware of the emotional abuse he made us go through. So I wasn’t ever thinking that my question or anything I would say would ever hurt him. I didn’t have that kind of a power. I was just afraid, cause he didn’t have any soft sides I can be free around. He was a good teacher in the school, and he was my teacher at the school for years as well. He was even an amazing teacher to so many people, but that was all he is.

He was also a teacher at home. I remember my mother feeling sad that we didn’t get the chance to have a fatherly father, a soft, loving person at our house that we could count on. But he was like a stranger, from who I could get a tiny bit of attention when I acted like a good student around the house. I could never cry in front of him, and he was never open about it. Sometimes he tries to get emotional since he is old and maybe he thinks about death these days, I mean in the last 5 years. But I am never gonna be comfortable around him to be able to understand that emotional state. I will just nod and try to seem understanding, but I would never lose myself cause if I do, If I couldn’t hold it in and just burst into tears, I would also speak and I would really hurt him this time. He would face stuff that he would never be strong enough to face. So I just wont, hurting him wouldn’t make me feel. I know that it’s a bit complicated now but simply my dad would use whatever he could find. When he can use his power, he uses violence. He cannot use it now since he is old and it’s wrong to do so in 2022 of course. But in the past, he could do it. When violence is obsolete, or he cannot use it, he shouts, argues. If that doesn’t work, he manipulates or uses your emotions and makes himself the victim. He should be used for a research on narcissism I think, that would be really insightful. I’ve learned a lot trying to get better.

I don’t remember fearing that he would die, even though he was so close to dying, I felt so strange. There were his former students coming from different cities, crying and crying in front of me like he was their dad. I could never cry like that, he was more of a father to them than he was to me.

It’s the first time I’ve told so much about my dad here, and I feel like I wrote these words with resentment. But trying to be understanding to him all those years and never putting the blame on him has ended I suppose.