Dear Neera:

You are very welcome. You shared that you and your partner are “becoming more irritable and lashing out at each other about small things which is unusual“, and that you think that the reason for it is that you don’t have your own space (you live with your parents). I agree. No wonder the two of you are more irritable with each other and lashing out at each other: the irritation and lashing out in your home extends into your relationship with your partner, similar to how wildfire extends into its surroundings.

“Do you have any other suggestions on what we can do?“- living away from your parents (alone or with roommates or with your partner) would be best. But I understand if culturally and/ or financially, it is very difficult to accomplish. Otherwise, I agree with you that in regard to your mother (the main source of your stress): “the conversations must be minimal, and (your) responses must also be minimal“.

“I do think my mom is unconsciously upset that she is no longer my number one… I try to have a conversation about this with her, but she is always in denial and the conversation turns quickly on all the things I am supposedly doing wrong, and how it is all my fault“-  your mother is quite selfish, isn’t she, for (1) not wanting to share you with anyone, (2) not listening to you, not caring about unnecessarily hurting your feelings again and again… and yet again, causing and maintaining your anxiety by telling you that you do wrong and that everything is your fault.

“I did see my mom as a victim growing up… My mother has gone through a lot in her marriage and even in childhood“- when she was growing up, she was a victim of the grownups in her life. Later, she was a victim of her husband (domestic abuse), and now and for many years, she has been- not a victim- but a victimizer of her own daughter. Her daughter (Neera) is her victim. How is she better than her victimizers?

“The more I learned about domestic violence in school, the more I wanted to free her, but I did not know how. So, I tried to be the partner for her that she needed, trying to be perfect and eventually it did wear me out”- your supposed role was to be your mother’s daughter, but you took on the role of your mother’s partner. This reversal of roles is common in situations of unhappy childhoods: the child is not free to … be a child. She has to be someone- something else. Notice: you wanted to free her; she didn’t allow you the freedom to be a child.

“For her, she was a young, naive girl who got married to a person that was not right for her and it changed her world perspective. And this is something I do greatly empathize with her on“- in her mind, she is still a young. In her mind, you were not (and are not) a naive girl, but a wrongdoer who is at fault.

In her mind, so it seems, she is not only a young, naive girl who got married to a person who was not right for her, but also, a young, naive girl who gave birth to a person who is not right for her.

You greatly empathize with her, but she does not at all empathize with you, does she?

This reminds me what you wrote a year ago in your original post: “I have a loving family… I genuinely believe I have the most caring family“- do you still, do you believe that your mother loves and cares for you?

I know that asking such a question can be painful for the one being asked. I asked the same question of myself years ago and answering it honestly- over time- set me free from a large part of my anxiety and invalid guilt (feeling at fault for everything) and shame (feeling not good enough, feeling badly about not being perfect).

anita