Hi Anita, I hope you feel nice and content today. I sometimes feel selfish for writing here and expecting an answer. I don’t understand how can you help so many people with compassion, over and over again. It must be tiring sometimes.

Something got into me. If I would have beliefs, I would say that the evil eye did it or something. Yesterday, after working well for a couple of hours, I felt exhausted. Then it was like my barriers couldn’t protect me from bad thought loops. I was all vulnerable, and the thoughts were all attacking me. After I got outside and went to my BFs house, my body felt all the worries and I was suffering. I cried and then tried to get back to normal, but then it started again. All the evening it was like I was too tired to control my mind, self-sabotaging thoughts, and doubts about what I do and what I’ll do. I felt worthless. My BF had to work a little extra, but I felt like he was texting somebody or something like that. I was full of doubt about everyone. I had nothing valuable in my life. I even wanted to cease to exist, cause it was painful to be there, be anywhere. I thought of my ex-boyfriend at some point, I felt like he would understand. But then I let that thought go cause it wasn’t rational, I was just kidding myself, he wouldn’t understand. Or even if he would, he would harm me.

It was like my childhood all over again, I tried to distract myself the whole evening. BF did help, but my mind was attacking him without him knowing it. Then my dreams were also self-sabotaging. I was jealous of him because he was hanging with a confident friend of mine. I was not in control.

I’ll try to let these self-sabotaging hours and mind go today, I’ll start meditating/yoga again. It was like my mind was contaminated and these were all the side effects.

I also realized something yesterday, I am sceptical about everyone and everything. I feel good with my BF cause he is honest and he doesn’t exaggerate stuff. But when I listen to somebody, I always know that they might add, omit and exaggerate the stuff they’re telling. I guess this is tiring. Even when I overshare or share the normal amount of information about myself, I started to feel like they could harm me or their thoughts even, can harm me. I must never let anybody get jealous of me, my job, or my relationship or get the wrong thoughts about me. I even thought this contamination of mine could’ve happened because I told an old friend about my work permit application earlier yesterday before I got that bad. It was like, she had the wrong thoughts and that contaminated my mind.