Dear Katrine,

I think i am returning to the old patterns of emotional unavailable person being atracted to an emotional unavailable person

You were/are attracted to an emotionally unavailable person, however you did break your own pattern of emotional unavailability and you made a move! That’s a huge step – you should congratulate yourself for that!

There is no need to return to being emotionally unavailable, even though things didn’t work out with him. You’ve made progress and that’s what counts most. In fact, I think you should reframe the whole experience and focus on the lessons learned:

First, I think you’ve learned that you can trust your instincts because the guy did show signs that he liked you, even though he later rejected your advances. Nevertheless, you were not crazy thinking that he likes you. You were not imagining things. He did behave as if he liked you.

And so that’s lesson No1: “I can tell if a guy likes me or not”.

Secondly, you can repair what you’ve “messed up” in early interactions with someone. You can write a letter, apologize, speak your mind, express yourself…. in short: you can express yourself and clarify how you feel. It doesn’t have to remain in the realm of guessing, high anxiety, trying to read his mind, watching his every move and every gesture looking for signs…

I think that by expressing yourself and your feelings, you took a very mature approach. You took responsibility for your side of the relationship. You were clear, honest and open. And friendly, without judging him if he refuses. That’s as mature and emotionally balanced as it gets!

So lesson No2 maybe could be: “I can approach a relationship in a mature and emotionally balanced way. I don’t have to do it perfectly from the start, but I can repair whatever I’ve messed up, and speak my truth in a balanced and mature way.”

And lesson No3 (which you’ve already established): “I should not take refusal too personally. My worth is not determined by if a man is with me or not.”

What do you think?