Home→Forums→Relationships→Does he like me?
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Katrine Nielsen.
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October 13, 2022 at 3:16 pm #408420
Katrine NielsenParticipantI see your point. I really don’t like parties in that sense. Going to a bar for a drink in a smaller group and music that’s not too loud i fine. But the real parties are something they like and I really don’t know what to do with myself in that settings.
October 13, 2022 at 3:24 pm #408421
AnonymousGuestDear Katrine Nielsen:
It so happens that I don’t like parties either. Like you, I am okay with a small group of people that’s not too loud. We have this in common!
anita
October 13, 2022 at 4:31 pm #408422Katrine NielsenParticipantYes that’s way more up my ally. I think this hurts because i invited him to my house as one in three people invited(he was the only guy until the day before where another joined us) that was me bringing him in my inner circle. My private sphere, my room i don’t do that with barely anyone, and then he doesn’t invite me to his birthday party.
October 13, 2022 at 8:39 pm #408426AnonymousGuestDear Katrine Nielsen:
You have a point, Katrine. If I was in your situation, I would feel hurt too for not having been invited to his birthday party. I am sorry, Katrine. I wish he did invite you to his birthday party.
anita
October 13, 2022 at 11:08 pm #408440Katrine NielsenParticipantYes. It even made me cry. Because now i feel like i am in no mans land you know. We always had(and still have that awkward tention) because of his behaviour towards me since april has been a sign that we had something going on romantically. But then after the “date” we were still talking well but still some awkward tention between us, and he was still calling me by nickname so I thought at least we are still friends. But now I feel like I’m not even that but just a colleague. Which i really rought because i feel like we have a history (even though we never actually dated) and now I don’t know what to make of my self.
October 14, 2022 at 12:41 am #408443
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
I am sorry he hasn’t invited you to his birthday party. That’s not nice of him and I see how you feel hurt. May I ask – when you sent him the “confession” message in which you apologized for your behavior etc – have you made it clear that you like him more than a friend? I mean, does he know without a doubt that you are interested in him romantically?
October 14, 2022 at 2:12 am #408445Katrine NielsenParticipantI said i shut down because of my anxiety, it only happens when i really like someone so really it’s a compliment. I’ts rare i react this strongly about someone. And then he said a lot of nice things about i had nothing to apologize for and he talked about how he also deals with anxiety.
IT comes on top of one the girls (the one adding pressure on me before the date) asking people to join her after work for drinks (last friday and today) but didn’t included me. Do now i feel both heartbroken and like i am slowly being cut off for some reason.
October 14, 2022 at 2:38 am #408446TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
I said i shut down because of my anxiety, it only happens when i really like someone so really it’s a compliment.
Okay, that’s clear enough. If he wanted to pursue a relationship with you, he would have reacted to that and told you something like “I like you too…” and it would have progressed from there. But since he didn’t, unfortunately it does mean he doesn’t want a relationship with you. It still doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, but as we have discussed before, it could be because he fears intimacy. One of your colleagues said “that guy is all over the place (referring to his mental health)”, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if he is confused or scared or anxious to be in a relationship.
i think i should try and not take this too personally. My worth is not determined by if a man is with me or not.
Definitely! Don’t think that you aren’t good enough or worthy enough, just because he said no. There is nothing wrong with you, and you can hold your head high!
The way I see it, the reason he didn’t invite you to his birthday could be two. One is that he likes you and that’s why he feels he feels he cannot stay friends with you, without his anxiety going up. He cannot just nonchalantly talk to you, pretending he has no feelings for you, when in fact he does.
The other reason could be that he doesn’t want to give you false hopes. He may think that by inviting you, it will get your hopes up about a possible relationship, and he doesn’t want that. So he is kind of preventing things to go in a wrong direction.
So he might be minimizing the chances of things becoming “too friendly” between the two of you again – either to protect himself or to protect you.
one the girls (the one adding pressure on me before the date) asking people to join her after work for drinks (last friday and today) but didn’t included me. Do now i feel both heartbroken and like i am slowly being cut off for some reason.
Is that the girl who was flirting with him at the bar (when you left without saying goodbye)?
October 14, 2022 at 3:21 am #408447Katrine NielsenParticipantYeah. I mean i believe this is a fear of intimacy. Because the closer we got the more anxious he be came, exactly like i react. When he started working here in april he wasn’t awkward or nervous around me at all. And neither was i around him. It wasn’t until we started going to the bar that we started getting really nervous around each other. And the day he came to my house (personal sphere) he started getting more and more anxious which was at a High the day of the yoga date. I think i am returning to the old patterns of emotional unavailable person being atracted to an emotional unavailable person. Like they say if you get butterflies it’s a bad sign. I didn’t get any butterflies with the guy earlier this year and that’s one of the reasons i was like about to bolt. But then i thought about it logically, is he my type, do I like him and do I feel good when i am with him. And that was a clear yes. Then after we started dating and it felt soo weird and uncomforteble, but then the butterflies came and it started feeling the way i thought it was suposed to.
October 14, 2022 at 3:26 am #408448Katrine NielsenParticipantThe girl who was flirting with him that day in the bar was a guest. She stayed for two weeks and after that night she kept coming to the café and reception to ask about him.
October 14, 2022 at 4:00 am #408449TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
I think i am returning to the old patterns of emotional unavailable person being atracted to an emotional unavailable person
You were/are attracted to an emotionally unavailable person, however you did break your own pattern of emotional unavailability and you made a move! That’s a huge step – you should congratulate yourself for that!
There is no need to return to being emotionally unavailable, even though things didn’t work out with him. You’ve made progress and that’s what counts most. In fact, I think you should reframe the whole experience and focus on the lessons learned:
First, I think you’ve learned that you can trust your instincts because the guy did show signs that he liked you, even though he later rejected your advances. Nevertheless, you were not crazy thinking that he likes you. You were not imagining things. He did behave as if he liked you.
And so that’s lesson No1: “I can tell if a guy likes me or not”.
Secondly, you can repair what you’ve “messed up” in early interactions with someone. You can write a letter, apologize, speak your mind, express yourself…. in short: you can express yourself and clarify how you feel. It doesn’t have to remain in the realm of guessing, high anxiety, trying to read his mind, watching his every move and every gesture looking for signs…
I think that by expressing yourself and your feelings, you took a very mature approach. You took responsibility for your side of the relationship. You were clear, honest and open. And friendly, without judging him if he refuses. That’s as mature and emotionally balanced as it gets!
So lesson No2 maybe could be: “I can approach a relationship in a mature and emotionally balanced way. I don’t have to do it perfectly from the start, but I can repair whatever I’ve messed up, and speak my truth in a balanced and mature way.”
And lesson No3 (which you’ve already established): “I should not take refusal too personally. My worth is not determined by if a man is with me or not.”
What do you think?
October 14, 2022 at 4:05 am #408450TeeParticipantPerhaps a slightly different wording for Lesson 3:
“I should not take refusal too personally. My worth is not determined by if I am in a relationship or not.”
October 14, 2022 at 4:12 am #408451Katrine NielsenParticipantYes. That’s probably why i react so strongly to rejection. I feel it’s my whole being that’s worthless
October 14, 2022 at 4:37 am #408452TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
I feel it’s my whole being that’s worthless
that’s probably a reaction to having been neglected in your childhood, to not having anyone really take you under their wing and protect you from bullying and other bad things happening around you. Your sister was, due to her illness, priority No1 for your parents, and you were left to your own devices. You were emotionally neglected. That can cause us to feel worthless – because the child always blames themselves for not getting proper love and care. We believe there is something wrong with us. That it is our fault that we were neglected and rejected… and so we conclude that we are worthless.
But that’s not true of course… I guess rationally you know that’s not true? You know that it’s the childhood trauma that caused it (you said you’ve been diagnosed with C-PTSD. Btw I also had it. Everyone with childhood trauma – be it neglect or abuse – has it.)
We can talk about ways how to stop feeling worthless, if you’d like.
October 14, 2022 at 4:53 am #408453TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
It comes on top of one the girls (the one adding pressure on me before the date) asking people to join her after work for drinks (last friday and today) but didn’t included me. Do now i feel both heartbroken and like i am slowly being cut off for some reason.
I see now how you feel rejected on two levels – both by him and by this colleague who didn’t invite you to go for drinks with the rest of the group. You feel excluded and rejected. And this bring up the old wound: of feeling worthless. That’s why this has been so painful for you.
As I said, it’s the consequence of childhood trauma. We can talk about it some more…
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