Dear Rhonda,

I am sorry that you are in a difficult situation, having lost both of your parents, your 2 grandmothers and close friends, all in the last 5 years. I understand that you want to make things work with your boyfriend, because you feel that you wouldn’t be able to take care of your newborn and your 6-yr old son without a support system. And even if you were able to make it on your own, logistically and financially, you don’t want to do it alone. And I understand that, because it’s painful to be all alone in the world.

But it’s good that you are also cautious about getting even more deeply involved (getting married) before you clarify some things with your boyfriend:

I want to figure out this thing with his friend and whether or not we need to continue trying to make this work because I won’t be constantly disrespected in my relationship and not be able to stand up for myself.

That’s a good attitude! You have the right to know the truth, and you also have the right to be in a healthy relationship, and not in this weird triangle, where the nature of the relationship between E and B is not even clear.

What is for sure is that B is very protective of E, and he might not even be interested in counseling. Because when you told him (rightfully) that he is the only one who can do anything about E’s behavior, you “got silence from him and a subject change”.

I think he also tried to minimize the problem, by saying that “he thinks everything about it is dumb and childish including the way his friend is acting.” As if he is saying that it’s not such a big problem (it’s “dumb and childish”). He also says E’s behavior is “dumb and childish” – again minimizing E’s possibly very dysfunctional behavior, where he is pining for your boyfriend and seeing him as a lover.

Your boyfriend is either not seeing the reality of the situation, or he does see it, but consciously minimizes it and denies it, so you wouldn’t make a problem of it. He even wants to marry you, while keeping the status quo with E – which might mean he wants to marry for your selfish reasons, and not because he loves you and is dedicated to you.

You said that when you confronted E, “I got called crazy and was threatened to be left if I didn’t drop it“.

Has your boyfriend threatened to leave you if you don’t stop “attacking” E?

I must say I am very suspicious about E’s and B’s current relationship. Also, about E’s intentions. You said that when they met, E offered to help your boyfriend change his life. But he hasn’t really helped him change, has he, since he allowed him to “do all the same stuff he was doing”. Does it mean that E allowed B to continue giving sexual favors in exchange for drugs and money? It’s also possible that E was B’s customer on the night they met, but then their relationship grew into something more.

You said E took care of your boyfriend and provided a ride to jobs. What kind of jobs were those? You said B has just recently received his first paycheck in a long time. Does this mean he hasn’t been working in the past years, while he was with E? And now, he found a job 12 hours away from where you live. Do you know anything about that job?

Dear Rhonda, I don’t like to sound alarmist, but it seems to me there are a lot of murky things going on, even now, and that B might be hiding things from you. I think the least you should do is try to find out the truth. To not allow yourself to be fooled.

You were fooled at the very beginning of your relationship, when B lied to you about the rude gay guy. You said “I’m not sure why I made excuses or stayed” – maybe because you felt so alone, and you didn’t want to be alone any more? But it’s better to be alone (and seek a reliable and trustworthy support system) than to be living a lie, and possibly exposing yourself and your children to all kinds of perils.