Dear, Anita.

I was thinking about and processing your email.  I cannot do it and I wish I can do so.

I have a mental, and emotional breakdown now.

I received a phone call from his family member.  His family is very close to each other and one of his nieces and I became really good friends.  Since our breakup, she called me often but I did not answer her calls.  Not against her but did not feel like it.
She text me a few times and she wants to talk.  She did not say anything about our breakup issue.
This morning, I finally answer her calls which I regret but too late.
She told me what he said about me (through from his mother to other family member).  Also she was with his friends and his friend told me the another story of me too.

I told them I do not have any comment and thank you for calling me.
But if you want to talk about our relationship, please do not bother to call me.  I do not share my relationship with anyone.
Then I hung up.

It gave me final stub into my heart.
If this happen was before I started to take therapy, I would call him or send him text with my anger.
But, I took time to process what he said about me. Actually, I’m still processing.
I won’t hurt myself but made me think I wanted to disappeard from this life.
I was not a good person but I was not evil.  I’ve never say bad about him or pick on him.
I was selfish, but I’ve never vervlly harassing him.

I do not understand.  If he hate me or not reconcile our relationship with me why  he finish it?
pity me?

I thought I’m okay if his family member or his friends said about me because they are nothing to me.  but I was not okay.
Remind me when I was a little, people bully me, ignore me.

I’m so tired and I do not want to wake up for a while until everything is okay.

Sorry for writing negative feeling in this message.