Dear farnaz,

I agree with anita: don’t force yourself to forgive someone before you have expressed and processed your anger (and if someone abused you or tried to take advantage of you, your anger is justified!).

I like how anita put it: don’t try to forgive them before you “listen to the message in your anger” and “fully understand what they did to you, that it was wrong to do it to you, that you didn’t deserve it, and that the Wrong belongs to Them, not to You“.

Only when we understand and can articulate the person’s wrong-doing, and express our anger in a safe environment (not to their face, but in a safe environment, either of our own home, or in therapy) – I think that only then can we say with fortitude: I won’t let this happen again! Only then can we draw our boundaries clearly and stand by them.

And when that happens – once we’re clear on what we won’t allow anymore, i.e. what are our boundaries – I think this is what opens us up for forgiveness. Something like: I forgive what you’ve done to me, but I’ll never let you do that to me again! Standing with clarity and determination to not allow to be abused again.

I haven’t thought about it before, but it seems to me that this is what processing anger really means: first feel it, understand it, express it (safely), make a decision to not let it happen again i.e. to from now on protect your boundaries, and then – forgive.