Dear Julia,

I hear you, and I think I understand what happened. Your parents were the type who did the bare minimum in their life. They complained about everything rather than try to change something. They had jobs they didn’t like, did sports they didn’t like (if I understood that part well?). Everything extra, including taking you to extracurricular activities, was too hard for them.

It seems they almost sabotaged both your soccer training and your dance training, because they only took you once, and since it “didn’t work”, they stopped trying. Your mom didn’t inquire where the proper gym is, so you could go next time. She just gave up immediately. She was probably relieved that she doesn’t need to take you there.

It seems that neither of your parents understood how much such activities mean for the child – they just did what was easiest for them, which was to sit at home and not be bothered. It seems they suppressed their own inner child too, because they never discovered their own creativity and joy of life.

Not surprisingly, you adopted some of their behaviors, such as “doing the bare minimum” with your master’s degree:

I am just putting enough effort into it to pass. I don’t work my butt of. I choose easier courses, I just do what is needed. I don’t even try to understand some things. I just gave up.

You are judging yourself for being like that, and I believe you’re also judging your parents for “making you” like that:

I was a clever and creative child and I guess I needed extra input. … It just stings when I think of this missed opportunities and when I think of other children or friends who were encouraged by their parents to follow their passion and were actually helped. I couldn’t even try to find my passion.

Maybe your reasoning goes something like this: “I am irreversibly damaged by the lack of opportunities to develop my talents and follow my passion, therefore I am destined to be a slacker like you [your parents] and live a dull, boring, mediocre life. Because of you, I am destined to be less than I could have become.”

Would you say that this is close to how you think and feel?

If so, the solution would be to stop blaming them, to know that you’re not irreversibly damaged, and that you can still start exploring your talents and your passion. Even if you’re now a mother and have less free time, you can still play with your own creativity.

You can take a dance class, or whatever seems exciting. You can find time for yourself, even if it’s just once a week, to PLAY and have fun exploring your creativity. Your creativity is not lost, it’s just buried a little and needs dusting off. So nothing is irreversibly lost, it’s still in you.

But you’d need to stop blaming your parents and forgive them for being “slackers”. And not expect them to change. Instead, give yourself permission to play and have fun and do the things that they haven’t encouraged you to do. Take yourself to a dance class, and have fun! 🙂

What do you say?