I wonder what was your experience with birthdays, Anita, Yours or your mother’s. I wonder if this is similar to mine.

My mother told me once she never had birthday parties and her mother (my grandmother) was often not pleased with presents given to her for her birthday.

Recently looking at childhood pictures I thought about how I never had birthday parties and cake since I was 6 – this was the last time I had a birthday party thrown by my parents.

The cake was so delicious, I remember it because she was proud of this strawberry cake, I loved strawberries and the cake was..the best I ever had. Every year when my birthday was coming up (in August) I was so excited and started asking for this cake again and birthday party but she was always tired, not in a mood, the cake was a lot of work, it was hot outside. She was complaining in front of other people that I was bothering her about this cake, laughed at me that I want this delicious cake but it is so much work! Two or three times she baked this cake in late autumn, or December, and used to say “There, you have your cake. You won’t leave me alone, bothering me every day”. I had a cake and could eat it. Often it was too much because I could not eat the whole cake alone, she just gave me this cake and no party as it was December. So I would just eat some of it for couple of days and it went bad.

On the other hand, when she had a birthday and I was too small to remember, or even when I was 13-15 I did not always remember. She always came to my room in the morning saying it is her birthday and that I forgot again.

Even when I remembered and got her a present she did not like it. Those gifts were often thrown somewhere in the bedroom, opened but never used. When bigger (like the big plastic flower I once gave her) they were usually left lying behind the wardrobe. Once I made a reservation in the pizzeria and paid for it, and invited her to go for a pizza – she said she does not feel well and don’t want to go.

Actually Christmas was similar, us two, sometimes her partner, sitting in bad moods, no presents, barely any food, no decorations. She used to say Christmas was nice when she was a child, now it’s not worth doing anything. She was always talking about her mother, her brother-  how they did not invite her (us) for Christmas and how no one wants us.

It’s fair to say she despised me. I think it’s a good word.