You said that you will post soon and you did (It feels good when people keep their words, thank you!)

That’s really nice, Anita. A little thing, made me smile.

my mother was often angry at other people but didn’t tell them. Instead, she told me about it.. a whole lot, on and on.

– Of course my mother too did this! For hours I used to listen her vent about everyone: grandma, her sister, her work colleagues etc – but she never told them all this, just me. Did not want a solution to her issues with people, no confrontation. She preferred to give them silent treatment or to be passive aggressive. My job was to be a “dumpster” for her venting. BUT then she got angry at random people in the street or post office. It sounds not very logical but we both understand, sadly.

It amazes me how much I do not remember about my physical environment. Let’s see…I am trying to remember the color of the walls in the rooms where I live (for more than 8 years), and didn’t remember.

True, it’s very surprising to not spot some things we look at daily. I painted my bedroom’s walls myself this summer so I can remember the paint was white, but that was easy! However every time I am paying for something with a card, I hear the amount to pay but if someone asked me right away, how much I paid exactly – I wouldn’t know. I hear but I don’t listen. I lock the door and can’t remember doing this.

I understand it can be annoying to other people, to myself, and that I need to get better, to work on this, and I do. But I have been the victim of my own anger (as well as my mother’s) for more than 20 years already. Nothing good came of it. I want to be accepting towards myself. If I don’t remember locking the door – I come back and check. I know it happens and will happen once in a while. Next time I am attentive and say out loud to myself:  “door locked” (my neighbor thinks it’s funny) and I do not come back and check. I consider it small success.

Riding a bike helps me because I have to be attentive and although I sometimes get lost in thoughts, I watch myself and try to get back to being attentive. It’s better than meditating for me because it’s active. It is a kind of meditation, I think.

it is freeing: freeing from the guilt and shame that we felt as children, shame and guilt that did not belong to us then, and do not belong to us now!

Indeed. I transfer all my guilt and shame to her because it was hers to begin with. She projected it on some people in her life including me, but it did not fix her. With time she has become a master in abusing, evil person. There’s resentment but it is directed at my mother, not myself – I deserved to have a loving mother and she failed me.

My plan for tomorrow is to spend more time outside and to think through some things we discussed so far.

Anita, Take care. I am happy we communicate here and appreciate it a lot.