Anita,

notice when it happens that you just had a thought that was your own opinion, your own preference on this or that matter (clothes, food, etc.),

Thank you for this idea, Anita. I will.

I already started this but those are small steps – Waking up in the morning and thinking how I feel, do I need to sleep another couple of minutes or feel like getting up. Noticing what I see, hear, smell during walks or rides on my bike. It gets exhausting but it’s a great practice and I want to continue doing this. I will start thinking of my opinions on things, even small things.

our mothers’ judgmental thoughts and feelings quickly and energetically flow into our first impressions of people because first impressions happen before we have a chance to .. entertain our own thoughts.

Unfortunately this happens very often but I am trying to be mindful, take a step back, think it over.

Different people feel differently during an adrenaline rush: some people feel primarily excited and powerful, a positive emotional and physical experience (your mother, my mother); others feel primarily anxious, a negative emotional and physical experience.

This feeling either excites you or amps up your anxiety

This is really interesting. I never thought about this. She indeed celebrated and bragged when she “destroyed” someone. It amazed me how she was never sorry/ashamed when she did something bad, offended people, even if someone “deserved it” (“my cousin was little and was not behaving sometimes and my mother would spank her and ‘it was so satisfying” – as you perfectly pointed this one, Anita. I felt embarrassed for her).

I saw so many rages, screaming, hitting… that I developed nervous ticks since I was 6 (shaking my knees, my head, blinking, moving my neck – all sorts. They change, come and go, some never came back, new ones occur). I think this may be the reason why I cannot feel as excited as she is. She was angry (also powerful, excited – positive experience) but to me: it was scary, nothing more.

I think when I get angry, what I feel is her anger  – and I am scared.

Part of my protection from her anger were those nervous ticks. She encouraged it. I remember her screaming  “Child…child stop, what are you doing! please stop with the head, don’t do it” – with caring voice, but angry (at my dad? as if he caused it?) “Look what you are doing to the child!” (said to my dad). I continued to have those ticks… partly because I developed them and partly because she noticed them and was not angry at me but cared for me (so I thought..) Even though I was 6 or 7 at that time I knew it, I felt that she liked it, it was convenient. (And here I am, 30 years later, still having some nervous ticks.)

Does this lead you to a better understanding of her anger vs yours?

It definitely does and I will read and think more on this excitement/anxious anger in next days.

Have a good day, Anita. I hope the weather is good enough for a comfortable walk and spending some time outside.