Dear Joanna:

“I already started this but those are small steps… I will start thinking of my opinions on things, even small things“- there is no such thing as small steps or small things when it comes to making progress, they are all BIG!

“She indeed celebrated and bragged when she ‘destroyed’ someone“- she felt powerful, and her felt-power intoxicated her!

“It amazed me how she was never sorry/ashamed when she did something bad, offended people, even if someone ‘deserved it’“- she felt good about offending people, how can something that feels so good.. be bad?, is the thought, I imagine.

“I saw so many rages, screaming, hitting that I developed nervous tics since I was 6 (shaking my knees, my head, blinking, moving my neck – all sorts. They change, come and go, some never came back, new ones occur)“- when I started reading this paragraph, I thought that you were quoting me (from someplace where I wrote this before), I couldn’t believe it: this is AMAZING! I too developed tics when I was 6, the same age as you. Our mothers are so similar, and our reactions to them, so very similar. I still have tics. I was diagnosed for having Tourette Syndrome (as an adult).

“I think this may be the reason why I cannot feel as excited as she is. She was angry (also powerful, excited – positive experience) but to me: it was scary, nothing more“- Exactly my experience. Feeling happily, or positively excited (about anything) ever since my mother’s rages, has been problematic to me. All excitements- positive and negative- are uncomfortable for me. All excitements trigger my tics!

“Part of my protection from her anger were those nervous tics. She encouraged it. I remember her screaming  “Child…child stop, what are you doing! please stop with the head, don’t do it” – with caring voice, but angry (at my dad? as if he caused it?) ‘Look what you are doing to the child!’ (said to my dad). I continued to have those tics, partly because I developed them and partly because she noticed them and was not angry at me but cared for me (so I thought..) Even though I was 6 or 7 at that time I knew it, I felt that she liked it, it was convenient. (And here I am, 30 years later, still having some nervous tics.)”-

– AMAZING! (I am not feeling excited by the way, when I type amazing in big print letters… wait, I feel a bit excited). I had this head moving tic, shaking it to the right and left, and when she was venting to me, I was doing this tic (maybe partly on purpose.. I don’t know) and hoping that seeing me tic, she will have mercy on me and stop venting, but she didn’t stop.

Wow, Joanna, amazing indeed! I hope you have a good night and I do plan to go for a walk in a couple of hours. It is sunny here but there is plenty of snow and ice that hasn’t melted yet.

anita