dear Anita

to be honest , i dont know why replying to this particular post was hard for me , i almost cried when reading it , i had a mixed feeling of happiness and grief . i said before this is the end of an era . nothing is gonna like before , and im sad but hopeful in the same time . i loved my dad from early childhood , and he was the one who i believed loved me the most .i didnt even like my mom and didnt care for her till she got sick .  when she passed even grieving her was much more complicated , i don`t know why everything about her is so complicated .

 I think that your self-esteem is quite strong now because you were able- as a child and for long enough- to maintain this belief in him being the good guy, pushing his lies and sneaky behaviors away from your awareness. i learnt to love him despite i knew he was liar and back stabber but  i kept my distance  he had obviously a very bad effect in my romantic life that i couldn`t skip

 he was still the good/ perfect guy, so you maintained contact with the people who came with him…there was no reason to maintain these people once he was gone very well said . i feel relieved

to forgive him and to see him in the best light that was available to you. If you didn’t.. you wouldn’t turn out to be the strong woman that you are today. yes , exactly , in another way i got stronger because all the mess , he put me through directly or indirectly , i learnt to find my way and define myself a separate being which was totally neglected when my mom was still around . i read somewhere a few years ago that children who have a  life separated  from their parents are usually happier . in my culture living with your parents till you get married is common , so having a life for yourself usually means having your hobbies , friends and job so you are not completely dependent on your family financially and emotionally

i remember i was a happy kid when i was 7 to 11 , i  danced without any music all the time  , lol , and i didnt care about others opinion , i wasnt self conscious and it was glorious time , the other night i was checking my instagram explore and i watched teenage girl dancing very well and i remembered my self when i was so naive , joyful and blissfully ignorant and i wondered if i could  return to that time , of course its not possible but all the storm in my life and all the hardship now i trust myself much more than before and if thats not a cause of celebration , i dont know what it is ?we can be super cautious and scared of past experiences but i believe that couldnt help us , i was isolated and not really dealing with lots of people and i still got hurt .

farnaz