Anita,

I remember her insisting that she had to wash my hair into my teenage years, to my horror (I was very ashamed of her seeing me naked, but she insisted that I was not able to wash my own hair well, and that she had to do it). I remember when she scrubbed my head, it hurt a lot, her hands dug into my head so roughly that it hurt. And it felt strange at the time, as I was wondering: why is she scrubbing my head so hard…

I wonder why is that.. she was doing something for you, to help I assume, but hated the fact that she had to do it… because you were incapable, in her mind of doing it yourself, as I see it from my experience.

I know it well – my mother being physically rough, having no boundaries. One time I had stomachache and she was so insensitive, rough, it was hell. I remember lying in bed praying for it to be gone, not because I felt sick but because I did not want to deal with her “treating me” anymore. I fell asleep praying many times in my childhood, until I stopped completely.

When I first got my period I was so ashamed, I could not tell her. I remember sitting an hour or so in front of her and trying to tell her what happened, and I couldn’t, words could not come from my mouth. She was asking me: “did you steal something? Did you hit someone? What did you do?” And I couldn’t say it. Might be the reason I struggled with identity, was never comfortable being “girly”. However, I do not hate women as she does. I mostly felt sorry for all the women-victims of her.

She always used to come into bathroom when I was taking bath, or using the toilet. When she was using the toilet, she left the door open. No boundaries, no privacy. She once found pregnancy test in the bin and told me:  “oh..  really nice…well, I will get through this somehow. I raised one child, I will raise another..” I was not a separate person, I was her, she was me. We were one person.

in my mind, I hardly existed; in my mind, she loomed big and I was nowhere to be found. It was like she was Everything and Everywhere,  I was Nothing and Nowhere.

Same here.

I must admit I really enjoy being my own person right now. I was always defined by her, felt her emotions, felt her opinions about me, about other people. Now it’s fading. When I go shopping by bike and suddenly there’s wind, rain and I take too much things so that they do not fit in my basket – I no longer feel contempt at myself. I think: “Wow, that was unexpected!” Feels good, thinking my own thoughts. I think they were there all this time.

 I lived in such fantasies, it was my life most of the time (when she was not talking to me, etc.).

Amazing how we invented a second life for ourselves, amazing how brain works. When I look for memories I see trauma events and fantasy life.. and a little bit of reality, every day life – very little.

It looks like we had .. the same kinds of fantasies. I too had American men fighting for me. (How more alike can we be?…)

Made me smile. I am not even surprised anymore! (Did he have a car? Mine did.)

she threatened suicide quite often. At one point I hoped that she would do it already, but she didn’t.. she just kept threatening that she will.

It is still shocking to me, and I understand why you hoped that.

as I read this, once again, I thought I was reading my own words and checked to see if this is a quote of my words…

I want to say this: I wish it did not happen to you, Anita.

and I’ll mention it again. It’s surreal.

Just wanted to acknowledge this, nothing more to add. Surreal.

Takes me long time to write (I always change, delete some, write again) so have a good day, Anita and a good night.