Anita, Thank you for being understanding. Although I was not that busy, just needed to be focused and I was a bit nervous earlier before going to the vet with my cat.

I don’t have any memory of myself when I was very young, but I bet I was attentive too… before I withdrew into my own head, lost in thoughts or in fantasy.

I too blamed myself for my cognitive dysfunctions while all along, those were the result of brain injury that was inflicted on me. And I know that my healing is and will be partial (but that’s good enough for me!)

I was thinking today while walking in the park, my usual place for taking a walk..looking at the trees, feeling the cold air, trying to be attentive and see, feel, hear… How would it be have we not experienced the trauma.. I see how people react, pay attention, I know I am different. I wonder how it is, what possibilities can person have after having healthy upbringing. I felt anger at my parents, my mother for putting me through this. But then I thought about what you wrote “I know that my healing is and will be partial (but that’s good enough for me!)”and it felt so nice, so positive. The way it should feel. I felt acceptance for myself. I need to remind myself anger should not be directed at myself.

aviv clinics. com: “Cortisol and Cognition: How the stress hormone affects the brain… attentional challenges, slowed processing, poor memory, word recall, or simply muddled thinking… The effects of stress on the brain includes functional atrophy of the HPA, hippocampus, amygdala, and the frontal lobe.

“Functional atrophy means that the brain is losing neurons and connectivity between those neurons. This can impair brain functions such as thought processing, memory, and emotional regulation… Research indicates long-term high cortisol levels are linked to reduced hippocampal volume… below are just a few consequences of high cortisol levels on the brain: * The amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex are the most affected areas of the brain. Together, they control emotions, learning, memory, executive function, and decision-making… * Over-exposure to cortisol can kill off brain cells. The hippocampus volume is also lower for people with chronic stress, elevated cortisol levels, and depression”.

That is probably the best description of my health and emotional/memory issues.

“The amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex are the most affected areas of the brain. Together, they control emotions, learning, memory“.

I do seem to have problem with learning. I was always obsessed with knowing things, learning by heart, I felt bad I did not remember basic knowledge, people calling me out for this sometimes.

Also I thought this was interesting:

I remember reading this: “Trauma therapists assert that abuse experienced early in life can overwhelm the central nervous system, causing children to split off a painful memory from conscious awareness. They maintain that this psychological defense mechanism—known as dissociative amnesia—turns up routinely in the patients they encounter.” Not sure where I found it then but I googled today and it was on scientificamerican.com.

I remember thinking “That’s why I have so little memories from childhood”. Still, it can be from daydreaming, living in fantasy world.

Also I found this interesting, explains the process of trauma being stored in brain. It may not be groundbreaking knowledge but I find it fascinating.

if and when you are ready, please do. I will probably follow your example and do the same.

Good to know, I feel encouraged!

Can you explain to me what you mean by going crazy, in the context of seeing her lying there again and again?

Every time she was in better mood and again speaking to me she was happy, excited, baked cookies, painted me a picture, bought me things..can’t remember what exactly but usually something she knew I had wanted like clothes.. or drove to the place I was giving lessons (teaching kids at their home) – one of them lived very away and I spent two hours or so in a bus/waiting for a bus – she made me a surprise couple of times- she drove there to give me a ride back home. It was all very confusing, I accepted this “help” and “forgot” she was not speaking to me the day before. That’s why I started writing all this. She made me look crazy, because she was so good to me, making all those surprises and giving me presents, I was denying the reality of the abuse, I did not think of it. One time when she was not speaking to me, (I think in high school) I was in my room, listening to a song, I think I was crying. She came and brought me a picture she painted. Said “Look what I painted for you, you liked this photo, didn’t you” and I immediately smiled and thanked her, took it from her. I wasn’t even sad anymore, I was so happy she finally spoke to me. I forgot and forgave her without thinking twice. No, she forgave me for whatever I hurt her.

At this particular time 2017-18 the silent treatment was almost constant and less “good deeds” on her part but still she was excited and in a good mood out of the blue so that was very confusing. Overall I slept badly then, used to wake up shivering, I ate less and less, I think I weighed 45kg, I had obsessions. I now think I was not well emotionally and I knew that so I kept those notes of what was going on.

I think that for the purpose of connecting with my mother who gossiped A LOT about everyone, I provided her with gossip, wherever I could.. or encouraged her gossip, so to be able to have a.. commonality with her, something to have a friendly conversation about, to be.. like friends gossiping about a 3rd party.

I did exactly the same. It did seem like “commonality with her” indeed…finally, a connection. I, too, encouraged my mother to gossip together. She loved it. It started when I was 12. I am so ashamed of this, I gossiped on girl I was friends with. It led to me ending this friendship because I got so angry with her as a result of gossiping with my mother. However I am pretty sure my mother gossiped about me, I never heard it but her partner hated me and I heard him talking about me many times, and my mother too, like yours, gossiped about everyone. No one was safe. No friend, no family member.

“I realized how different voice and face expression I made when I was with her“- what do you mean, specifically?

I realized I used to do it to in her presence, especially when I was younger but later as well. It was a half smile, very pleasant facial expression and pleasant voice, not exaggerated, just enough to not be accused of having bad intentions. I think I learnt it when I was young (around 12yo) when she used to ask me everyday “What is wrong with you? Why are you angry/furious again?”. I knew I had to seem happy and nice for her, otherwise she will think I am angry at her. I guess it was a habit, I did not think of it. When I talked to her I tried to seem pleasant and nice so that she wouldn’t get the “wrong” impression: she was so fragile, her mood could change in a second and the reason could be my face expression.