dear Anita

i think even the city is more silent when its snowing , i dont know why , maybe snow the shield against noise ? i have no idea

honestly i dont feel good right now , my thighs are sore because i did work out yesterday and it was hard and i think im catching a cold , i`m so drowsy .

 for a young child, there is no solid self vs mother. Instead, there is a nothingness of sorts, as far as content goes, a blank page (self) that is facing a mirror (mother). Whatever the mother expresses is written into the blank page. So, if the mother expresses hate toward the child, the child’s blank page has this written on it, in bold, black print: I am hateful, I am deserving of hate (others’ and my own)! how you can have an image when you are so small , you need your parents guidance and approval to feel safe , i`m so sorry for both of us , that was message , we are not worthy of love and worthy of hate .

“based on standards of society, mothers are always right“- this standard of society (that mothers are always right) are based on the early societal need to maintain order in the home (for mothers to be effective in the disciplining of their children), so that the men will be free to go outside and do what needs to be done to maintain the home (hunt, fish, grow crops, chop wood, fight an occasional enemy, etc.). as always im impressed by your analysis , you are exactly right ,in absence of a man , the woman should be feared , apparently only when man is not present . im a strong believer that anybody needs someone to check on him/her in any age , im not saying in controlling or demeaning ways , but its in the nature of human human beings to do nasty stuff when they think there are no  consequences , usually in dysfunctional families  there is no boundaries and the parents can come and go and say whatever they want and change their opinions whenever they wanted and choose whatever benefits their purpose in that particular  time , they can insult you , gaslight you and projecting their own insecurities on you , they do it because of many reasons including they think you are their properties and second one in my opinion they think there is no consequence for their behavior know that I am not right, but what are you going to do about it? You can’t go anywhere! she was cornering you as my dad did if someone was here to protect us , they wouldn`t dare to do it , did they ? 

regarding your last 2 paragraphs , first im so sorry for your experience , i can feel you and relate to you , its so heartbreaking to be and to do everything for someone and seeing them to devalue it and abuse our needs . i repeated that pattern over and over in my life , i idolize someone when they only think of me as doormat . but dont you think that also relates to the fact that we are their properties , we have nwhere to go and there is no one to protect us AND we were so needy of their kindness and so desparate to see their good side that we would forgive them instantly AND THEY KNEW IT . they knew they could do whatever they want with us but not with others . the others were people , WE werent .

far