Anita,

– Notice… how deep my mother’s criticism and judgment is embedded in my brain: … I had a distressing thought: that you (Joanna) were criticizing me for using the present tense when talking about my mother, saying something like: oh, you (anita) are not that smart or advanced, are you 

This is my mother’s voice (the italicized), not yours… I felt identified with the voice, it was… my voice: one she implanted in my brain but now, it is my angry, critical voice.

Yesterday… I felt that maybe you (Joanna) really did criticize me for not being mentally healthy enough to be here, on these forums, addressing other people’s mental health. I truly didn’t know if that’s what you thought

Thank you for sharing this with me, Anita. I feel sad I have caused this. I did not have any criticism in mind. You have helped a lot of people here on this forum, including me and I will repeat this: I am grateful you are here and I admire your wisdom.

The reason behind my question was: when I read that you wrote „it is about my mother” in present tense I started thinking what it is that I always think or say in such situations (being triggered or having some difficulty because of her) and I think it’s mostly: „I feel triggered/angry because she often used to…. (do this and that)” and wasn’t sure if I see it as present tense or past tense. Clearly it’s about past behaviors but the emotion I feel is now. Some of those emotions I understand more so there are times I can say „I used to be triggered by this because my mother did this and that”. I was curious how you would elaborate on this topic – not sure if I understood it correctly, therefore I asked.

My own example of my mother’s judgement and criticism inside my head: after writing this to you the other day, my own words: “Most people are not like your (and my) mother. Not judgmental, not accusing of bad intentions. I say this to myself too and I think it’s good to remember“ –  I woke up today and thought: “I should not have written this. Anita will think I am giving her advice, telling her something she already knows when she clearly sees and knows a lot more than I do”. I hope it did not sound like this. I was aware I was stating the obvious but my intention was to be friendly and comforting.

Another example: Once I asked my mother “are you in a good mood today?” and she told me “what? why would I have a bad mood? are you implying I have moods? Why are you bullying me all the time?!!” and then she gave me silent treatment for days. I never asked her this again in my life. I have a colleague at work who likes to ask this question “what’s your mood today?”. My first reaction was saying to myself “Whoa!! what is his problem? Accusing me of having moods?” I can only trust he is being friendly, because the feeling my mother taught me is so strong, I will always be a little suspicious hearing this question. It’s exhausting.

As an answer to my critical voice in regard to my own mental health and addressing other members’ mental health in these forums, I say: these are self-help forums: we help ourselves and we help each other.

I agree. It’s beautiful.

It is easier to address other people’s issues than it is to address our own, but addressing our own issues (as I am doing in this post) is what healing and self-help is about. It takes humility and courage, and trust that the person I am communicating with (Joanna) is a good person.

Good to read this, Anita. Again, I feel sad it happened and caused a distress.

I thought you did (I noticed in your writing), this is what prompted me to bring up the topic to begin with. I thought that we have this issue in common, and maybe we can help each other to weaken this habit.

I already started writing more spontaneously because of your encouragement. Trying to remember about this while talking to people.

thank you. The worry is there because something bad did happen when I did not respond to something she expected me to respond to, and when I used words that she told me were wrong. She did not appreciate me and  she was very critical of me.

You are welcome 🙂 I find it very difficult too, convincing myself people are not that critical of me as I thought.

“We are very much alike and also have similar realizations“- yes, we do!

🙂

resent yourself for being fooled for too long, for not being smart enough to realize the truth earlier on?

Yes, I think I was ashamed of it when you asked me (one of the last posts on this thread at the time when I still lived with her) paraphrased “did you ever lived apart… did it ever occur to you to move out … “. I was ashamed because it did not ever occur to me. She was acting like my friend (she was giving me a ride home from distant place where I gave lessons, so that I wouldn’t be cold!). She even used to say this to me when I was little “always remember – when I yell at you, it means I love you!”. I admired you, Anita for your story, your realizing your mother was abusing you and I felt.. not smart enough because I couldn’t see it for so long.

he became the bad guy, and she became, in this context, the good guy?

She saved me from him, because he was giving me nervous ticks, that’s her story.

One of the very few memories I have of what my mother told me was that one time when she hit my face with her open hand, right, left, right left… she then stopped, looked at her tired hands and arms and accusatorily said to me: Look what you did to me: you hurt my arms! – in Reality, the Cause was her choice (however impulsive) to hit me, and the Effect was that her arms and hands hurt. But in her Mind, she made a short cut, removing from the situation her choice to hit me.

The accusation does not shock me. It is something my mother would totally do if..she ever hit me (but she did not ever hit me, which is interesting knowing how our mothers are similar and the fact that my mother did, in fact hit my dad, so it was not something she wouldn’t do). However, hitting a child is shocking to me. Abuse – mental abuse is something you cannot see, prove, they could be aggressive verbally and then deny it – for my mother it was perfect, she could insult me any way she could and then say she did not say such thing. But hitting is something they cannot deny. However, now thinking about this.. My mother’s story is that my dad was hitting her (and he did, they both did) but according to her he was the only one. So she denied hitting him too. And I never realized she hit him, although I clearly saw it with my eyes!  My version was: my dad is hitting my mom (not the other way around). Amazing.