Dear Madina:

Welcome back to your thread, and you are welcome! “I can’t relax, enjoy my relationships. Last night I had I childhood memory, when my mom told me that one day I will get married and have a husband. That just terrified me! I was scared to be with some unknown man! I told my mom that I will marry her, and never leave“.

More than 4 months ago, on Aug 19, you shared: “I keep sabotaging love. I always ask them to break up with me and provoke them. When I was 6, my father left… He actually used to take care of me and spend time with me more than my mom… I remember the first time I saw him kissing his wife, I was destroyed, I felt so broken…I felt is that this love belongs to me and it has been taken away“.

Putting the two pieces of information together, it looks to me that you grew up with Separation Anxiety: an ongoing fear of being left ALONE with no parent to take care of you. And that this separation anxiety evolved or devolved into a Sexual Orientation Anxiety. Are you aware of experiencing separation anxiety as a child?

anita