Hi Anita,

I have opened up the forum in the past week and never had the energy to put my feelings here. I hope you’ve had an amazing Christmas and will have an amazing New Years. May the new year bring you so much more peace and happiness.

I’ve had a mental crisis recently where I learned that my landlord is planning to increase my rent by %400 and if I don’t pay that, they will sue me. Just when I managed to have the house to myself, without any toxic flatmates (the last one of them will leave next month), I’ve learned that maybe I will have to move to my mom’s house or something, since there are no rental houses for affordable prices anymore. So I was terrified, depressed, crying all the time. I felt so alone, everybody had something to say, some stuff they could suggest but nobody was actually with me in this. I was all alone, and I had to face this problem on my own. My bf was working a lot those days, so he also couldn’t really support. He was by my side, but he was not saying me that “we would handle this together.” So I felt awful. He was hugging, not saying much about the subject. He was trying to distract me.

I even told him a story of my childhood which I find very vulnerable. When I was about 6-8 years old, I was constantly crying and depressed. I was either with my father in the same city, or with my mom in another city. I needed somebody’s support I guess, I needed them to understand me and maybe care for me. I felt so alone. When I was with my mom, she used to listen to me for a while and tried to support. Maybe she didn’t have much patience but she tried, she was also having depressed times I figured later on. But when I was with my dad, he never had the courage to deal with this problem. Never tried to understand or talk to me about it, as far as I remember. Never even hugged me. He was afraid of his own emotions I suppose, and if he confronted me, he wouldn’t be able to handle them? Not sure. Maybe he just didn’t care since he was fixated on himself. So he always found a place to drop me off, to hang out. He was a teacher, so he knew so many people. He used to find some family who has a child around my age and then I was there, left to hang out with them, play with them. The same scenario used to happen always, I was distracted for a while and then when it ends, I start crying. The family tries to understand me, support me but what can they do? I don’t even know what my problem is, so I probably never explained fully. I think I used to say that I missed my mom or stuff like that. Then finally when I stop crying, dad picks me up. After a while, I learned to hold myself and not cry in front of others, and my parents as well.

When I told this story which I only told you and now him, not even the psychiatrist I saw since I couldn’t handle it, he hugged, tried to comfort me but nothing else. I felt bad since he was not there with me. He just waited for me to calm down, that’s all.

My mom also talked about him in a bad way for the first time. She told me that since he is not that active regarding this crisis, maybe I should observe him more. She made me doubt him and after that, I was also a bit weird to him. I kind of stated that I felt so alone, meaning he wasn’t that much of a support. I actually wanted him to say stuff like, “you can always move in with me”, “we’ll do it together”, “I would never let you move out of this city”. These words comfort people, distracting never works! I hate distractions when I am in a crisis, I guess I learned that it’s never the right thing and who am I even kidding?

But then after a while, 2-3 days later when he is not as busy as before, he got what I felt. He supported and said, “if it all comes to there and we cannot find a solution, you’ll move in to my house.” I was relieved, and then I moved on thinking about solutions with a more calm mind.

The problem still exists, but now that I heard him say these which apparently meant a lot for me, I feel calmer, and better. After a few days of crying, being depressed I woke up with 4 cold sores on my mouth. It was terrible and I actually saw how much it affects my health and my body. A few days of crisis made my body react this fast.

But the fact that if he didn’t say those words, I would be worse now terrifies me. I am so dependent on his emotional support, and words. And also extremely surprised to see that my body had something to say as well about this stressful and depressive days. She didn’t like it apparently, and now I am healing my lips.