dear Anita

so you live in Washington , i have an old classmate who lives in washington dc . i know it`s cold and i heard it snowed very heavily in some states of US, i hope you are ok in your evergreen state .

very good point. Some people “solve” their problems by making their problems bigger, and then even BIGGER. i know some people who are expert doing this , maybe im been condescending . i guess that should somehow work for them , maybe they want to be busy with their problems and not thinking abut bigger stuff which are mind bugling for them , i know thats true for my brother as an example.

for me i know im overthinker  and sensitive and as i said i tried not search for heavy stuff like politics and religion , ive rather to be exhausted with work or any physical work that try to dissect and find the meaning of things . thats why i guess i dont make my life harder .

 not in my case: my mother was right there at the start of my life, to tell me and show me how ugly the world is. I have no memory whatsoever of ever being blissfully naive. but she wasnt realistic , she was negative and miserable , that applied to my mom too , i believe they didnt trust themselves at all and they were right , they couldnt handle hard issues , like balancing between the difference of them and their children character and solve familial dispute with respect and love . they didnt have the emotional maturity and patience to manage it so  they would freak out , make a scene and blaming everyone and try to control the situation by aggression and character assassination .

no, to my surprise, she did not protest or chase me for contact, not in any way, shape or form that is strange but my only guess is because you overpowered her , it wasnt joyful for her to intimidate you , you got stronger and she sensed it, these kind of people are very good in judging who they can manipulate and use for their own benefits  and im sure, she wasnt happy about it , its highly possible she found someone else to torture after a while .

I used to think, as a child, that she couldn’t live without me, that I was the center of her life. I was very wrong. Truth is.. she was my Everything, and I was Nothing much to her. After all, she told me when angry, her words: “You are Nothing, a big Zero!“. Looking back at all of the situations that I remember, situations that included me, her and other people (and she was not at all angry): she treated the other people as Somebodies and me.. as a Nobody. im so sorry for that , thats so painful , but i think , she think of you as a continuum of herself and she saw herself as nothing so were nothing too. that i`m sure about .

I wonder if, for now, it’d significantly easier and faster for you to get certified to work in the U.S. as a Registered Nurse (RN) or better, as a Nurse Practitioner (NP)– they make so much money and there is a great shortage of nurses here. interesting , in Iran there is  also a shortage for nurses .  i have some plans in my mind and i`m going to search about working as a registered nurse  or NP too , thank you for suggestion , and by the way what is the meaning of registered nurse , is there multiple ways to become a nurse except going to university ?

far