Dear Katrine,

you know, when I read that old post from April 2021, I thought to myself that it might be your sister who was spreading lies to your friend, because this friend accused you of the same things as your sister accused you of after not attending to her son’s christening (that you’re doing it on purpose to deliberately hurt her). It was the same accusation, so I thought it might have been actually her.

I understand why you didn’t want to admit it back then – because you were still so much gaslighted by her that it was a taboo to even think that she might be abusive to you. You were also conditioned by your parents to see her as the victim, and yourself as bad if you didn’t comply with her demands. So in your mind, you were the abuser and she was the victim. And then your friend (the one suffering from BPD) accused you of the same – and you totally believed it.

I can imagine how hard it was for you, and how it contributed to you feeling really badly about yourself and blaming yourself. The only positive role in all of this is your other friend, who saw things much more clearly and warned you that your sister might be faking a lot of things, and that she’s out of line for treating you like that. That’s a good and trustworthy friend! I hope you’re still in touch with her!

They became best friends due to this lie. My sister would even bring her gifts from helping her with her computer but never said a simple thanks to me or my parents for putting aside our lives helping her out. It still hurts thinking about it.

Yes I can imagine… as I was studying narcissism a bit more intensely these days, I’ve learned that it’s actually a typical behavior that narcissists are double faced: They show a fake kind face to the outside world, to get praise and admiration. And they show their true, selfish face to their immediate family. Your sister was/is doing the same: kind to other people, and rude and exploitative/ungrateful with her immediate family.

I think the best way to feel less hurt by her is that you see her as she is, and to stop expecting her to be kind to you. To stop expecting her to change. And also, as I’ve said before, to stop believing the accusations she hurls at you. If she tells you you’re a bad person, you don’t believe it, you know it’s a lie.

So those two things are crucial: 1) don’t trust her, and 2) stop expecting anything from her. And then third, spend as little time as possible with her, specially with her alone. I’d spend zero time with her alone, if possible. Instead, spend as much time as possible with people who genuinely support you and have your best interests in mind, such as your other friend.

And of course, make new friends outside of your sister’s circle – which is what you’ve been already doing. Far from her reach, you are free to be yourself and free to be seen as you are, not as your sister sees you.

I am so happy that X and Y have invited to you to their New Year’s Eve party. There might be even a benefit to coming late – you can just sneak in, similarly to how you used to sneak out 🙂 With not much pomp, you just show up and let X and Y know that you’re there. I guess there will be a lot of people there, with music etc, so they probably won’t all sit around a table looking at the door 🙂 But even if you get some attention, remember that you’re OKAY, that people like you, and that there’s nothing wrong with you!

Happy New Year to you too, Katrine! I wish you a fun, pleasant, as relaxed as possible New Year’s Eve!