Dear Lost1Flow,

I understand the difficult situation you found yourself in after your brother’s tragic death. Both you and your mother were devastated, and the mourning probably made you even closer. You said she became very clingy, and you became her only support. How old were you when the accident happened, if I may ask?

What is interesting is that your mother didn’t turn to your father for support in those difficult times, but she relied on you. This tells me that your father probably wasn’t too emotionally available. Is he the type of person who doesn’t express emotions, and couldn’t really talk about emotions after your brother’s death?

If he was/is an emotionally unavailable man, then what probably happened is that your mother found an emotional partner in you. She could share with you what she couldn’t share with him. And she got dependent on you and needy, like a child.

Maybe that neediness was present in her even before your brother’s death, but it was less obvious, because she was somehow coping. But your brother’s death triggered it, and she regressed, so to speak, into a helpless, child-like state. I am only guessing this – please correct me if I am wrong.

And she hasn’t recovered from that neediness, even if years have passed since your brother’s death. She became totally dependent on you. In the past you’ve encouraged her to reach out to people and make new friends, but she refused. She kept clinging to you.

I imagine things became even more difficult when your granny got sick, as well as your father, and she became their care-taker. Then there was no way she would let you leave her side…. and so over time, this clinginess and codependency turned into a beast, as you’ve called it.

In fact, she is clingy, and you are codependent. Because you’re taking care of a person who doesn’t want to take care of her own needs, and expects you to take care of her emotionally. You feel responsible for her well-being, while she refuses to take responsibility for it.

Even though she is telling you she wants you to have a life of your own, she doesn’t really mean it, because in her mind, it would mean like being abandoned and helpless and alone. I think this is the message she is sending you, either directly or indirectly: that if you leave, it will ruin her. And of course, it makes you feel tremendously guilty, because you don’t want to cause harm to your mother. You feel trapped, because you really believe that she won’t make it without you.

Would you say this is true?