Dear Lost1Flow:

I am glad that I asked my question 13 hours ago,  because in your answer, you provided very important, new information. Before I asked the question, I thought of your mother as a quiet, passive, weak woman who needs your help (and I thought that maybe, just maybe, she was not be aware that you feel badly about her neediness). I thought that maybe if she became aware that you need her to be stronger, she will rise to the occasion and be stronger- for your sake.

Following your answer, I see that your mother has been strong all along when she needs to overpower you. Years ago, you tried to assert yourself, to have a bit of power in the relationship with her, and she squashed your bit of power with horrible words and a wicked fight. She squashed your power so successfully, that you “never brought it up again“.

You started your original post with “I put myself in a horrible position“- I think that it is not you, but your mother, who has placed you in the position. When you tried to get yourself out of this position (that one time years ago), she blocked your effort offensively (not defensively) when she called you “all horrible things“, etc.

From my experience with my mother, I can tell you that what helped me a lot to move on from the oppressive Guilt I felt in regard to her, was when I realized that… she didn’t really love me, that she didn’t really care about me. It was a shocking realization that took a lot of time to settle… because my mother physically worked very hard as the sole provider, bought me the best of clothes, toys and such and told me how much she sacrificed for me, how hard she worked for me, etc.

I was amazed at the thought that she doesn’t love me, but it is true: there is a difference between needing someone for a particular purpose and loving that someone. Think of this, if you will: if your mother loved you, if she cared about you, she would have taken the opportunity years ago, when you brought up the dysfunction in the relationship with her (meaning that she became aware at that time, if not earlier, that you were suffering in the context of your relationship with her)- she would have taken that opportunity to try to  FIX the relationship, so that you, Lost1Flow will feel better… and perhaps not be in the chronic pain you’ve been in, wouldn’t she?

anita