Anita,

– and this is exactly my mother’s behavior. There was always someone on her very good (idealized, “loved”) list and someone on her very bad (devalued, hated) list, and it was only a matter of time before someone on the good list found himself or herself on the bad list. No intimate associates in my mother’s life either, including me. She didn’t trust me after all, how could she feel close to me (she believed that I intended to hurt her every so often; you don’t trust someone you believe is trying to hurt you!) I grew up very lonely: no closeness with my mother, no closeness with anyone.

It’s my turn to say this: it is as if I wrote this. Except one maybe: I did have some friends and cousins.. but my mother quickly turned me against them, encouraged me to gossip at them which made me feel anger at them in result. She did not trust me either and told me this directly or other way. My grandma is exactly this: “always someone on her very good (idealized, “loved”) list and someone on her very bad (devalued, hated) list”. I have been on both, several times. My cousins have been on both my mother’s lists and grandma’s list.

I saw, in person, the other day, a daughter (23), talking with her mother (50 or so). They were talking like two people, no detectable resentment, no anger… I never experienced anything like that! At all times, either my mother was angry at me and/ or I was angry at her…  Some time ago, I had my teeth cleaned and the dental technician, a large, pleasant woman, was humming nicely to music as she worked, and once in a while she’d say “please” and “thank you” as she asked me to move my face this way or that way.  Feeling her gentle hands on my face and listening to her humming, I thought to myself: this must be how it feels, to be with a mother.

I have those moments too sometimes, seeing someone and thinking how is that possible, to be that kind, patient.. Even in nice moments with my mother when she had good mood there was still a risk I could say something and she would get angry. It always amazed me how she did not have to care to ruin my mood, to offend me, she felt so free to say whatever she wanted!..unlike me. Must have felt good to her to be so free, not being afraid to offend anyone (me).

Here is an online description of how a psychotic episode feels like (psych central. com): “(Psychotic episodes) can last like a few minutes to days”, “If I’m in a fully psychotic episode… I’m still here, I’m just far away“, “I know something is very wrong, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And in those moments I’ve even had the ability to think, ‘Oh no, what if I don’t come out of this?’”

Yes, it did seem like it but I think.. they (0ur mothers) still did have some control over their behavior. Which makes it more sad. They wanted to be this way.

I did fit it and it is not surprising to me that both of us have or had serious anger issues: how can we not have trouble with anger, growing up with the mothers we grew up with?

Most probably true, I have it too.

you are well-enough today, Joanna, just as I am well-enough today. Tomorrow we will get better and the day after, even better. It’s all about getting Better, not Perfect.

(Perfection is not an option for you or for me. But surprise: it is not an option for anyone).

I think nowadays mental health is talked about differently than even years ago. It should not be shame to be struggling. I do not want to hide it or pretend I am ok, like my mother. I once texted her (I think it was 2019) that maybe she should visit a specialist because of the anger issues, not speaking to people etc and she just responded “No”. She was in denial. Once she even told me she acts like that because she had a menopause and it’s hormones! (knowing she was like that since I was 6 years old and probably even earlier…).

Thank you for your kind words Anita. I am glad you are better now and no longer fit the bpd. I imagine you worked hard to achieve this and was very persistent. I hope it will get better for me too.