reposting.

Anita, I hope you are fine today. How was your recent daily walk? I thought about this today while looking out the window. (I am still too sick to get out)
I will be responding to your last post this week.
There was this one time when we spoke here about trauma, reliving traumatic experiences. I wrote one day I would like to describe it. Another day you wrote that (paraphrasing) you do not believe one can stop feeling pain entirely when thinking about painful events. It made me sad but.. I do not know why, I had courage today to relive one of them. I felt sad today, maybe because I haven’t left the house in days, I still feel sick and wasn’t eating too much. Also I have some issues at work and feeling overwhelmed and when I feel overwhelmed and exhausted I usually have this one memory stuck in my head.. little kitten, me in a car with my mother, and this kitten meowing and screaming, me leaving this kitten on the street and driving away with my mother.
I feel like I cannot move on with my life because of this. I cannot live with those memories anymore, it’s exhausting. All I had, all my childhood, my home, everything was lost that day. My dad, my room – my bedroom, my cats, my dog! my cousins. Plans I had, plans we had together with my cousin, the plays we did: we sang songs, made poems for fun. I had to pretend I will be there when we planned to perform them (just for ourselves) although I knew I won’t be there. My mother told me to lie, to pretend, to keep a secret. I could not tell anyone we will be moving out that day. Then one day we woke up, took some things while my dad wasn’t there (he probably still had not come back from a night out) and left. He came home and saw empty room… as I assume. My cousin sent me a letter after that when she found out I was living at my grandma’s (my mother’s mom) about 30km away. I was such in shock I don’t even remember calling my cousin and telling her where I was (we were inseparable till this day).It’s one of the worst things that happened to me (until then at least because what was still yet to happen was my mother’s worst and worst abuse AND her partner’s). I feel so hopeless thinking about it, like.. I will never get rid of this. It will be here in my head till the rest of my days. Every time I look at my cat (which I love a lot) I think of the cat I had to leave on the street, opened the car door and leave him because he was screaming too much, I don’t remember exactly…. probably decided (me or my mother) that better to leave him and take him with us. And leave all I had, all my life, my identity. Thinking about this and re-living this I am hoping to process this a little bit. I never had the courage to truly re-live it until today. It’s a nightmare thinking about this.