Anita,

I am good, still a bit sick but Ok. I am planning to visit a doctor next week. Sorry for not responding earlier. I have not felt that good. Work problems and sickness exhausted me.

I have been thinking about you today, Anita. How are you?

 It amazes me how similar our mothers are, and this is why we are a great source of understanding to each other.

I am thankful for that, good you feel that way – I am glad to be and have a source of understanding!

The good list/ bad list phenomenon as I now call it, is a bpd hallmark, a result of the bpd extreme all-or-nothing/ black and white thinking. The borderline anger, or rage is also a bpd hallmark.

My grandma and mother both have this condition and this exact symptom. Although what I noticed some people never return from bad list. They stay there forever.  I am reading a lot to understand some of my own behaviors like getting angry at people for no reason, just sudden anger. It feels better to understand it, to try to heal from this anger.

I figure if my mother didn’t want to be this way, she would have said something at some time during the DECADES I was in contact with her, something like: I am so sorry that I hurt your feelings.

I think so too. Even if they did not have control over the anger they could still see us hurt. My mother heard my crying multiple times, heard me smashing things in my room, crying from anger, helplessness.. heard me coughing because I cried so much. I will never forget thinking: what kind of person is okay with this, how cruel she must be.. She was there, in the other room and knew she did this to me.

a victim-child should not be ashamed of having been victimized; it’s the victimizer-mother who should be ashamed of victimizing her own, vulnerable child!

I agree.

please do not hide and do not pretend.. anything.

Thank you, your words give me strength, hope and courage.

I don’t think that I’d dare saying this to my mother.. that would could easily bring another episode of borderline rage against me. I am imagining it now: she would react angrily and if I told her right there and then something like look at yourself, don’t you see that you have an anger issue?! She’d say something to indicate that she was having a bad daughter issue, that she is responding reasonably to a horrible daughter, and how sad for her… She never presented herself as the Actor of real abuse (ex., saying the most hurtful words for the purpose of hurting my feelings), but as the Reactor of alleged abuse (ex., mentioning to her that she had an anger issue for the purpose of helping her, if I dared to mention this).

This was the one time I dared to say this to my mother, to text this actually, over a text message. I wouldn’t have dared to say this to her face, she would have given me the look that could kill.. –  I learnt to avoid this at all costs. The context of this was the fact that she first texted me that she was sorry I was treated badly or something.. Not sure what exactly she meant, she may have meant her partner’s behavior because I talked to her about him at the time, how he abused me (she mostly did not accept the truth). But I felt brave enough to ask about her anger issues, I thought maybe she was apologizing for her own behavior. But she responded she was having menopause, as in: it’s not actually her fault. Interesting what was my reaction: I recommended her a doctor, a gynecologist, to help her! I even did an appointment for her, I was so caring and really wanted to help. She went there (she had to pretend to be a victim here, I tried to help her so she had to go) and was mad at me later about how much money she had to spend and.. stopped speaking to me that day even before she went! As in: I forced her to go there.

Anita, I am thinking about your advice to process a traumatic memory. I thought about other memories I have, the ones that are very strong but on the other hand, I am not that afraid to think about them – actually I recall and relive them quite often. I learnt after some time, instead of being past memories they become..less past, so to speak, in a way that I sometimes no longer think of that moment in the past – I think of other moments later when I recalled this memory. I feel stuck with it though.  I am trying to “bring this memory to the present time, … make the connection between the past and the part of the past that is still here” like you suggested. It is hard!