Anita,

My walk in the park was great, thank you. Especially after weeks of not going out too much. I listened to music and enjoyed the sun. Felt like spring already, although I know winter will be back, probably soon.

I feel less of that, way less random anger than I used to feel. And significantly less intense, when I do feel anger. What a relief!

That’s very good to know, thank you for sharing this. I am always happy to read about your experiences. Good that your anger, the one you have felt, is less intense now.

I think I feel similar since I am aware of this: I do not recognize it as my feeling but more like something I was taught to feel. There are moments, behaviors, words that trigger the anger my mother have showed me. Like yesterday at work: I misspelled a word during a call and my colleague started laughing hysterically (at me/the funny word I said) and I immediately felt anger that..he is mocking me, doesn’t respect me, makes me look like a fool! It felt like a humiliation almost.. when the only reason he was laughing was that this word sounded funny, that’s all. I remembered how I laughed in my mother’s presence (not even at her, could be because of the movie I was watching or while talking to someone else) and my mother got angry. She got angry at the very sound of my laugh, it triggered her to hear me laugh. I feel this anger too now, for example when someone is reading a text and is looking at his/her phone and is laughing at something and I do not even participate in this! But I suddenly feel anger at them. It got a lot better though, less intense, like you wrote, Anita. I am glad you feel that way and that my anger is less intense too.

She was there, in the other room and knew she did this to me“- and enjoyed it, I’m afraid, sorry to say. Why else would she listen in her room and not interfere… ? It is easy to imagine strangers feeling joy hurting others; it is difficult to imagine your own mother being … that kind of a stranger.

very difficult to imagine, yes. I still can’t believe that but I know it’s true.

she knew it wasn’t her menopause, that’s why she didn’t want to keep the appointment. She lied. It is another thing that children (and adult children) find very difficult to believe: that their mother lies.  We know strangers lie.. but not our mothers!

Exactly! She knew she had to play along, pretend it was menopause, but she knew she did not have menopause in her 30s when she first started abusing me! What a ridiculous excuse.

I don’t remember if we talked about the concept of the inner child. Did we? There are books and workbooks on inner child work. This kind of work is what bringing the memories of our childhoods into the present-time is about: emotionally reconnecting with these memories, no longer being dissociated from them. It’s about feeling that it was really you back then and there, not ..  some stranger (to oneself).

No, I think we did not talk about inner child here yet. I will read into that this week. I thought about this today, during the day but not sure if I understand it correctly. Seems to me like lessening the emotions we feel as we start to deal with them as adults, with the emotional tools we have now, as adults, not as helpless child we used to be – when those emotions were too much. Sorry, just my understanding, may not be right. I will read about this and be happy if you will share your thoughts on this.