Hi Helcat,

Appreciate your response greatly!

I have been seeing a therapist for a while now when I realised the extent of the anxiety/low self esteem & instead of suppressing it I have decided to tackle it head on & I have come a long way. It has changed from things like “what did I do wrong”, “what is it about me etc” to now knowing deep down I have all the attributes to make a good partner & that I am a good person but it just feels like there is indeed something missing as all that good stuff (ie genuine, down to earth, stable career/family life, fit/healthy) does not seem enough for people to pursue past a given point.

As far as the people I have dated, it has been a mixed bag as generally I give people a chance. I definitely think those that are early 20s probably don’t look for/value those things and are more superficial (which at that age I don’t expect them to have figured out what they want).

This last girl I dated in particular felt like it had all the makings of something good. Same age, same upbringing, same morals/values, agreed on our outlook for the future, laugh a lot together, both were affectionate with each other (apart from being fully intimate together – this I prefer to take slow when it’s someone of potential), she had said to me she felt completely comfortable & fully like herself around me. In the week leading up to her telling me her feelings hadn’t progress enough as they should have by that stage she had been calling me out of the blue to see how I was, she reciprocated that she wanted to continue hanging out/seeing me then 4 days later she said that. I accepted it as there’s not much else I can do & I was away on a trip for a week so I thought I’d give myself time when I’m back to look at it properly before acting on anything else. I thought she was worth the effort given the connection to tell her what I thought of her in the hope it might do something (even though realistically I knew it wouldn’t), she sort of just reiterated the same thing “I think you’re a great guy but…”.

This situation is symptomatic of what happens to me, I would say though 90% of the time when I sit back and look at the different situations I can admit it was coming or understand the “no spark” etc. This case here there was really no sign of that until she told me & I’m confident I did everything I could in the most genuine way possible it’s just got to a point now where I am starting to believe maybe it’s something about me that I am missing something that evokes some spark in a girl beyond thinking I’m a good guy.

I am unsure how to change my luck from “you’re a great guy who ticks the boxes but no spark” to having that spark, when you hear it enough you go from thinking about it from a point of view that “they just weren’t the right one” to well hang on maybe I am like too down to earth for my own good that I’m not actually attractive.