Dear Daniel:

It occurred to me yesterday, after reading what you expressed about your parents (common to many parents): “the expectation is like go to school -> get a job -> further study/university -> get a full time job -> get married/have kids etc., etc.“, that this is indeed a very common approach by many millions of parents. I’d call it the cookie-cutter approach to parenting:

– parents put in the work feeding and clothing their children, arranging schooling, buying toys, letting their children know of the expectations (I compare this to preparing the cookie dough, putting eggs into it, chocolate chips, etc., mixing it all, using a cookie cutter to create almost equal shapes and sizes of unbaked cookies, and then putting the unbaked cookies in the oven and turning on the heat). They then wait and watch, hoping that all of the children go to school, get a job.. get married, etc., fulfilling the expectations step by step; they watch and worry if any of the children is late at achieving any of these steps (I compare this to watching the unbaked cookies in the oven as they bake, expecting them all to rise at about the same rate and to the same extent, then they worry if one of the cookies, or a few of the cookies, seem flatter than the others, being late to rise.. worrying that they’ll never rise).

It is not that these (millions of) parents don’t love their children, it’s that they misunderstand their children (and themselves): they do not understanding how elaborate a human being is, and how much more individual attention a human needs. Going back to the cookie analogy: some cookies need more chocolate chips, others need less sugar; some are lovely in their own flat ways… and different does not mean inferior.

Is my analogy making sense to you or does it only make you feel having fresh, out of the oven cookies.. (lol)?

anita