Hi Anita,

I’m truly sorry that I’ve gotten worse at replying. I will be more active at replying and not leave your replies hanging in thin air. I’m sorry again. Also I want you to know that I’m grateful for and cherish all the time you put on my threads and on many any other threads here. You are an awesome human being with an awesome heart and brain.

Now back to the thread: Thanks a lot. It was also great hearing from you again!

I really liked your analysis on the book. I agree, our mothers’ actions and various other events that happened in our childhoods, as you mentioned, definitely threw us into this void. It’s hard to explain but yes, it does feel like floating in the abyss and trying to stay afloat every so often.

I went through a breakup a week or two later I posted here. It was right before my finals, so even if I was sad, I remained distracted because of the deadlines. However, since past week our break started, it has taken a toll on me. I don’t have any emotional capacity to do the simplest tasks. Cooking myself anything, taking a shower, doing laundry, drawing or reading a book… Everything seems like a painful chore.

If I’m being honest I’ve felt this way since 2019 (when my brother attempted suicide). But it came in bouts. Everything has been a chore, another merely task to get rid of, since that time. It’d get worse some days or weeks but this time I feel extremely desolated. You know, anita, I acknowledge that I was in a toxic environment back then. But because we were all miserable I didn’t feel the kind of desolation I feel now. My friends- the ones here and the ones back in my home country- are usually busy. Most of them here are working a lot and thus cancelling plans or have been unable to make any to begin with. And the ones back home are also busy with university stuff all the time (they’re all studying medicine). My roommate who I’ve been very close with since past year, is working a lot these days, and when she’s not working she’s either hanging out with her friends, going out or talking on the phone with her crush. We used to hang out a lot, but now she’s all occupied and cancels on anything I suggest that we can do.

The point I’m trying to make is: envy. I’ve never felt this way when I was at home. I’ve never had a single urge to go out and hangout with my friends outside of school. I’ve never even felt miserable about this isolation in the way I do now. Now it comes with envy. Because others around me have it perhaps better than what I do and now it stings. Because I went through a breakup recently, it’s unbearable to listen to my roommate call her crush every night and giggle and smile. I feel extremely deserted.

And now I feel like I have none left of the two worlds- the one I had back there, and the one that I have here. I understand that thinking miserable will only make me more miserable but it’s hard to think that all that’s happened until today has any reason to keep fighting. I can’t think of anything worth fighting for.

I’m sorry for such a gloomy post. I wish I could write a nice update, maybe that’s why I was waiting to reply for a while.

How was the weather today? Do you still go on your daily runs?

-Java