Hi Anita,

I hope you’re feeling recovered from the vaccine shots and your arm is better too.

Yes I understand, I hope today’s walk was a nice, special one.

It’s been 3 days or so since I wrote this and yet I’ve been running painfully fast from someone in life during this time. As I mentioned earlier: I have a roommate whom I’m very close with. Recently she’s been talking with her crush (or boyfriend, I’m not sure because we haven’t catched up in a while and we speak different languages so I can’t tell much from the calls) every night in the room. And the calls are pretty long. Embarrasingly enough, those calls put me off. A lot.

We used to hang out very often. Eat meals together. Go out. And even cuddle in bed when we were tired. Since my breakup, she started getting busier with work. The last two times when we hung out in the mid of january, I told her about my breakup. And she somehow seemed relieved, was making jokes here and there of how I’m getting a “breakup glow” on my face and was mentioning how I was doing breakup cleanings in the room. Instead of asking me how I’m really feeling, she kept smiling. I might’ve misjudged her intent or she might be happy or relaxed about other stuff. During that time she was doing great at work, her grades came out really nice and her crush had also started texting and calling very frequently. So it might’ve been difficult for her to empathize with me. And since the begining, deep down I knew she was trying her best to root for my relationship but deep down she was not happy. She went through a breakup in last May with her boyfriend of 2 or 3 years. When she came back from summer holidays she mentioned a few times that she was not over her ex. And that it was hard to not think about him. So when I got into a relationship in November, she cheered on me but once we also had this sort of conversation in a park, when we spotted two people holding hands:
“Java are you in love?”
“Well definitely, more than one kinds. Platonic, romantic, self-love kind, and more… In love with lots of people right now”
“No I mean romantic. Are you romantically in love?”
“Yeah. with my girlfriend for sure”
“Ugh you’re in romantic love. fuck you”

I never tried to bring up my relationship a lot, didn’t talk much in the room on call with my girlfriend, in order to not make her feel alone or to not remind her of anyone.

So back to after-my-breakup-period: she got busier with work and calls. So if she was not working, she was on the phone. And vice versa.

I’m embarassed to admit that the nighttime seems like a nightmare in my room. She gets back home at night and then the call begins. And so I can’t even make a single conversation. I go out of room, sit outside for the longest hours, tiring myself out and come back once it’s very late and I’m about to pass out.

It’s so hard to not feel desolated. I feel like blasting my ears off with music whenever the call comes on. Once again, I’m dreading my own safe place. Once again I’m not at home.

During this time, whenever i’ve tried making any plans, she’s put them off by saying she was busy. And yet she also complained twice that I come back to sleep at unreasonable hours, that I’m not in my room so often that I’m acting like a runaway.

It’s getting so hard to share the room with a person I was so close and comfortable with. And because of a reason that is so humiliating and embarassing.

Any suggestions?

-Java