Hi Eric

It’s complicated. On the one hand our minds are trying their best to help us. On the other hand sometimes what comes as human instinct and might be helpful when having immediate danger doesn’t necessarily help us in the long term.

For example, when experiencing trauma as children. We can’t always fight back. Avoidance is basically the only strategy we have.

But as an adult we can carry that avoidance with us. Avoiding memories of past trauma. But we are adults now, we are better able to defend ourselves compared to a child. And we are not necessarily exposed to trauma as frequently as adults. Despite this, avoidance can be a habit that persists creating anxiety and limiting our choices and experiences in life.

The nature of anxiety and avoidance confirms that you when you do avoid you were correct to be afraid and every time you are exposed to the same situation in the future, it wants to avoid again and so anxiety builds. It simply becomes a habit that anything that feels threatening should be avoided.

There’s also another element. Children have a habit of blaming themselves. They’re basically sponges absorbing everything from the world around them. Even the smartest child doesn’t necessarily understand the world around them.

So a child who experiences trauma and is blamed by other people simply accepts that. If other people say this is my fault, it must be true. Even when it is the people hurting us that are the ones telling us these things.

Children who blame themselves become adults that blame themselves. It’s a habit. But the truth is trauma is not your fault. You are not to blame for other people treating you poorly in the past. You deserved a happy and peaceful life and still do. You deserve to be an adult who doesn’t blame yourself and doesn’t have to carry that pain.