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Pls i beg, anyone help me with this every year issue of mine

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  • #414198
    Eric
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I know i used to create a thread about this one, but i want to open up about it again…

     

    So i really dont like the structure of my family, actually my family is big but because my dad doesn’t get along with his siblings… so we only celebrate everything (like chinese new year) in a small family scale…

    I feel very insecure looking at other people with big happy families…. So i used to not think about it…

    But right now i have a partner and my partner comes from a big loving family…. I feel very insecure, that i introduce my partner a very small scale family…. Like why would my partner want me? It gives my partner a disadvantage right?

    In chinese tradition, on chinese new year people celebrate it happily, the merrier the better… but in my family thats not the case….

    There are other people with a more loving and big family, why would my partner stay with me right? This makes me very fragile due to my family situation, like my partner can leave me anytime…. But i dont know how to make my social status stronger with this small family…. I can’t expect my family to become a big loving family for my partner, this is what worries me a lot. Like why do i have to suffer from this, its not my fault….

    I feel very insecure, every time there is a chinese new year i always suffer from anxiety everytime im close with someone… Because i feel i dont give my partner a big loving family…

     

    Everyone in social media is posting a big loving family, even my partner… so how can she wants to be with me if i cant post like those? My trust issues says its unbelieavable…

    Even most people have a family group on whatsapp, but my family doesnt…. Its weird isnt it?

    #414203
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    Happy new year!

    I suggested preparing something special for your girlfriend. Action alleviates anxiety because you know you are doing your very best. Accept that your decision was simply to ride out the anxiety that this celebration brings. Perhaps do something to distract yourself?

    #414204
    Helcat
    Participant

    You survived every year so far. I’m sure you’ll survive this one too.

    #414210
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear helcat

    It hurts so bad that i have to survive this every year, i’ve been always wanting to enjoy the celebration like most people do…..

    Is the only way is to distract myself?

    #414322
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    Congratulations, you made it through the celebration! Is there anything that you enjoyed about your Chinese New Year celebration?

    #414323
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear helcat,

    There’s nothing i enjoy from this year’s chinese new year.

    And Chinese new year hasnt ended yet, today is only the 2nd day. People usually celebrate it for a whole week.

    #414324
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    My mistake! I hope that you stay busy during this period to take your mind off it. Please stay on the look out for an element that you might enjoy. I hope you get some delicious food and have an opportunity to spend time with your partner. I’m interested to hear how it goes when she meets your parents.

    #414448
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear helcat,

    There is another issue that i’d like to discuss, would you like to hear it?

    #414451
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    Go for it, if you’d like to share you don’t need my permission. I have no issues with you posting. The way I think of it is that you like to journal in public and I’m happy to communicate. I was very unwell for the past two weeks. That’s why my communication dropped here and there. It wasn’t because of anything you said or did.

    On a side note: I wish you stood up for yourself more. Also, I respect your choice to stay with your partner despite the intense anxiety you have been experiencing. In a way, I think it is a good thing for you. I hope that your anxiety lowers in time as you get used to having a partner.

    Wishing you all the best 🙏

    #414470
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear helcat,

     

    Thank you for wishing me well!

     

    So today i just had a dinner (still on chinese new year) with my family and also 2 of my father’s siblings… my father have 5 siblings but as i said previously we are not in good terms with most of them so only 2 came…. One is my father’s little brother who came with his wife and children so its 4 of them… Then my father’s little sister with his boyfriend so its 2 of them… and i invited that girl to join our dinner and she came…

    So although my dad are still in good terms with these 2 siblings… we are not close with them, just dinner for the sake of formality… luckily the dinner is in a restaurant… so as our dinner is very quiet, because the restaurant is quite crowded… our table doesnt sound so quiet…

    She also asked me where are my dad’s other siblings… and i told her they cant come (i didnt told her we are not in good terms with them)

     

    After the dinner, this girl didnt ask me a lot, i hope she doesnt feel weird eating dinner with my dad’s family…. I was so afraid that she’ll leave me due to this…. As i didnt talk a lot there, even with my cousin (the daughter and son of my dad’s little brother)…. I keep feeling worried that she might feel my family isnt a “cool family” that can be posted on social media and decides to find other guys who has a “social media family material”

    Because her sister’s boyfriend family is social media material…. I keep feeling anxious that she might want like that… and i cant provide that for her… I cant even provide her a cousin that she can talk to… Cause i know some guys who had a “cool family” that can be posted on social media…. I’m so worried that she might leave me for them…. Because this girl likes to post on social media, but with my family she cant…

    I’m so grateful that i met her, and i wanna cherish and do my best for her… but there are some things that i cant change like my family….

     

    Also im feeling anxious with her sister’s boyfriend, today i met him on a restaurant… and we greet at each other, but it doesnt seem like he respect me… like an arrogant way of greeting…. Her sister’s boyfriend is very wealthy as he has a big company and he has a family that is social media material… i cant compare to him….

     

    I really want to be with this girl, but the obstacles are a lot… because due to her sister dating that type of guy… i need to raise my quality…. Increase my standard for myself….

     

    I also have visited that girl’s house while her sister and her boyfriend isnt there, i talk a lot with her mother and we our conversations connect and i am so happy… i feel happy coming to her house…

     

    I feel very lucky meeting her… like very very lucky… i really hope i can keep doing my best as i wanna cherish her so much….
    I keep trying my best although sometimes it gives me intense anxiety, cause i dont wanna make mistakes that’ll lead her to want to leave me for another guy with better qualities or better family (social media material family)

    #414476
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    How do you feel dinner went? To me, it sounds mixed but generally positive. It was good that some extra family members made an effort to come. It sounds nice that you had dinner at a restaurant. The only downside is it was a little quiet.

    I hope that you enjoyed spending time together and had some tasty food.

    It’s good to hear that you get on well with her mom and enjoy visiting her and her family at her house.

    Can I ask what the sister’s boyfriend said that or did felt rude?

    There are many different kinds of men and many kinds of different women. They all have unique tastes. Just as people like different foods, they have different preferences in partner. Your partner is not her sister.  Her sister’s favourite kind of food is her boyfriend. You are your partner’s favourite kind of food. I hope this makes sense. I think I’m getting hungry 😂

    I have a question. How did the actual experience of having dinner with your family and partner compare with the intensity of your fears? Out of 100% how would you rate the intensity of your fears before? How did you feel during the dinner?

    #414477
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear helcat,

     

    Yes the downside was it was a little quiet, i hope she doesnt judge me a lot based on it… cause im afraid she might have some sort of expectations and that “quiet” doesnt meet it….

     

    It’s not her sister’s boyfriend words that are rude, it’s the way he greet me when i said “im leaving the restaurant… see ya!” The way he responds is like talking to an insignificant human that he doesnt want to greet very well… i dont know its because he was focused with his guest there or he really regards me as insignificant…

     

    So as you said people have different preferences in partner, well this girl and her sister has something in common… they like to post on social media… and my family cant provide that…. I cant guess what’s in her mind… i’m really trying to find ways so she can posted about my family on social media while i can feel happy too…. But its hard, as you can see in the dinner the atmosphere is very quiet…. I bet her family gathering with her cousins arent that quiet….

     

    As for the intensity of fear, it really isnt as scary as i thought i’d be…. But keep on focusing on her so she wont feel uncomfortable… i help her grab food on the table into her bowl.. and i keep asking her if she wants to add some drinks…. I also create a topic for my sister to talk with her so she will feel more comfortable, because i dont want her to feel uncomfortable and dont want to accept my invitation for dinner again…

    I think the intensity of the fear is still 70%, as i keep on concentrating on her in that dinner…. I dont want to create mistakes…

     

    I hope she doesnt ask her sister how is her sister’s usual dinner with her boyfriend’s family and comparing it with me…. I cant compare wit him, as i cant change my family…

     

    I keep hoping and hoping that she wont judge too much of my family, as me myself are doing my best to make her comfortable…. And try my best to not make mistakes….

    #414478
    Eric
    Participant

    It’s hard right being in my position? Trying to maintain everything by not creating any mistakes….

    Sometimes the anxiety is very unbearable, but i still want to do my best in my relationship with her….

    #414493
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    That’s a good realisation. It wasn’t as scary as you thought it was going to be. A lot of the time our fear and anxious thoughts are scarier than reality. Is there a reason why you worry about bad things happening?

    For me, I used to believe that if I anticipated bad situations that I could prepare for them or even change them. I also had a belief that bad things always happened to me, so I should expect things to always be bad. I wonder if you have any beliefs like that?

    It sounds like you were very attentive to your partner at the restaurant. Well done!

    #414497
    Eric
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear helcat,</p>
     

    Yes i always imagine that bad things that imagine will happen, that’s why i keep getting intense anxiety…, I keep imagining the worse case scenario till every detail…

     

    Also social media make things worse, like every time i see “cool guys” posted their families on social media i’ll feel insecure because i dont have families that i can post on social media…. Not only families, if they post a celebration party on chinese new year with lots of friends i’ll also feel insecure because i dont have a lot of friends…. And most of my friends dont like to post on social media, they like privacy better instead of showing off on gatherings like that….

    But because this girl likes to post on social media, i keep feeling anxious and worried that i need to keep up with those “cool guys” standards that have a gathering with their friends and family…..

     

    Do u think there is something wrong with me? Like how i live my life? Like my families that are different from those guys?

     

    Thank you for praising me that i’m attentive to her, i really did my best there…. You can say i’m fully focused on her in that dinner…

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 32 total)

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