Home→Forums→Tough Times→Pls i beg, anyone help me with this every year issue of mine
- This topic has 126 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
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January 26, 2023 at 8:56 pm #414499AnonymousInactive
Im still trying to find ways for me to not get insecure every time i saw that “cool guys” on social media….
Because every time i saw their post, i’ll keep feeling worried that she will choose those type of guys… as they have everything that i dont have…. It hurt me inside every time i think about it…I keep planning every strategy everyday for me to improve the relationship while not making mistakes….
And yeah you are right, i just noticed i like to write a journal about my struggles here, because i dont feel like anyone understands me… and i wanna be heard about my struggles…. As i’ve been living in a lonely life and very isolated….
January 26, 2023 at 11:29 pm #414503AnonymousInactiveI apologize if i’m explaining too much..
There is also something that i regret, when i visited her house and her sister and her boyfriend is not around… i didnt make use of that chances to tell her parents about my good qualities…. I really regret it, at least it can boost my qualities in front of her parents….
I really want to talk with her parents again and show my good qualities (such as my family owns a company and etc)…. If her sister and her boyfriend is around i cant talk much…. All are focus more on them….
That time is in her house so i can talk a lot, but i didnt make use of that chances…. I want to invite her parents for a dinner, but still i cant talk as much as in her house….. I really regret it, at that time i thought it was only the 3rd time im meeting her parents so i dont want to talk much… i was wrong, i shouldve make use of that chances…..
January 27, 2023 at 12:52 am #414504HelcatParticipantHi Eric
You don’t need to apologize. This is your space, your journal. Please use it as you wish 🙏
It can be difficult to discuss thoughts and feelings. Not everyone is open to that kind of a conversation in daily life.
I can honestly say that I understand what it is like to have anxiety and painful thoughts associated. It is a long and challenging process, but it is possible to get through it in time. It hasn’t disappeared completely for me. But there are times when I don’t feel anxiety and times when it pops back up. However, it’s not as severe as it used to be.
It’s good that you are trying to figure out ways not to feel insecure.
Planning to improve the relationship tells me that you care about it.
You are really developing your planning skills. I remember when you used to struggle with that.
It sounds like you have a belief that if you make a mistake that you will be rejected.
January 27, 2023 at 1:16 am #414506HelcatParticipantYou also mentioned a belief that the bad things that you imagine will happen.
Fortunately, that didn’t happen with the dinner. And it sounds like conversations with your partner’s mother have been going well.
One thing helped me to slowly change my anxiety was proving that these beliefs are false.
I started to write down every time my worst fears didn’t come true. You may find it beneficial to start a list like that. Please add to it every time things go better than expected.
What I think or feel about you won’t necessarily change how you feel about yourself. It only provides short term relief.
What I can ask you is realistically and achievably is there anything that you would like to change about your life? Are there any ways that you would like to grow as a person?
It is good to have goals.
January 27, 2023 at 10:43 am #414521AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
Also there are things that i notice from this girl is that after 3 months getting to know me…. She’s not as enthusiast as the beginning when she start to know me (first 3 months) like she keeps saying that she misses me and that she wants to quickly and meet me….
But right now she isnt making much effort to meet me, like im the only one making efforts to meet her… yes she still accepts meeting me…. But it feels like she prioritize her time with her friends more…. Like everytime she went out with me, she’ll always want to go home early because she wants to finish her assignments…. But with her friends she can go out all day….
Like what should i do? Should i be less boring? I’ve done my best till right now, even fighting intense anxiety…
Well at least we still have a plan to meet on valentines day, but after that i dont know how i will ask her out again, she might say that she’s busy with assignments…..
She used to told me that she is new to this “relationship” thing, that this is her first time experience and previously she never had to think about another person, just herself…. But now she has to think about me too… and she said she doesnt want to get pressured, and im trying my best to not give her pressure…..
It’s really hard being in my position, trying my best to impress her, but at the same time i fight against my anxiety….
Sometimes i also feel that im a boring type of guy… so that’s why this is what im confused on… Should i be like the most cool guys that are cool and not boring, but its hard for me to be like the cool guys….
January 27, 2023 at 11:05 am #414522AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
What I can ask you is realistically and achievably is there anything that you would like to change about your life? Are there any ways that you would like to grow as a person?
= Yes i wanna grow as a person, like increasing my qualities, stop always overthinking things, good in career, able to maintain a good, loving and happy relationship with her….
But yeah you are right, i dont really have a goal in my mind… i guess i’ll have to start having a goal…
i’m still confused, whether she’s bored with me or what….. or maybe its due to im not good enough for her standards….
January 27, 2023 at 12:32 pm #414523HelcatParticipantHi Eric
To be fair she’s meeting you in 2 weeks.
And I’m guessing her friends are from uni. She might be a bit of a social butterfly and trying to rotate who she spends time with to try and treat people fairly. Or she might just be that busy.
I tend to see close friends every two weeks and I try and see my family once a week. So it seems reasonable to me. Life just gets very busy.
It’s pretty normal for things to settle down into a routine after the initial excitement of meeting someone. It’s a chance to get to know what you’re both really like naturally, as opposed to the initial phase where people are trying to impress each other.
I believe her when she says she misses you.
Those are some great goals! The next stage is planning steps on how to achieve those things.
January 28, 2023 at 2:33 am #414530AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
Yes she’s meeting me in 2 weeks, it’s because there is an occasion…. And after that occasion i dont know how i will ask her out again….
What do u think i should do to stop this anxiety that she’ll leave me for several reasons (LDR, im not good enough, my family structure, etc)….
Is it only by myself i can only fix it? Or it’d just be a short term relief?
Should i have some concrete goals to stop this anxiety?
Whatever activity i did, this anxiety will always be there…. I can only distract it… the thoughts of her leaving me will always be there in my head…. I always keep finding reasons that i’ll have something that’ll make her leave me….
I’m still confused on how to ask her out again, because i cant ask her out without a proper occasion, i dont want her to lose interest in me….. i did my best to cherish her…
January 28, 2023 at 6:03 am #414540HelcatParticipantHi Eric
When there are no special occasions you can always ask her out on a date and perhaps do some activities.
Realistically, this is your first relationship and it might end. But it is just the way these things are. Very few people stay with their first partner forever. This is an opportunity to learn about relationships and enjoy your time together. You may have other relationships afterwards, or you never know you could grow old together.
The issue is that in your anxiety you blame yourself. Instead of it being a normal part of life. It sounds like there is a belief that any hypothetical break up would be your fault. As you put it, for not being good enough.
I can understand this, I’ve also dealt with my own feelings of insecurity in relationships.
I don’t know about stopping the anxiety. But learning to live with it and manage it, so it causes you less pain are more achievable goals. These things do take time, so you will have to be patient with yourself and these feelings.
It would be possible to change the way anxiety expresses itself. For example, I used to be afraid that my partner would leave me and blame myself similarly. But now I don’t blame myself it has turned into a less frequent less painful thought that one day we might not be together for some kind of inexplicable reason.
How I changed was by regularly writing down the ways that I’m a good person until my beliefs about not being good enough changed. I worked on changing myself and becoming someone that I actually like. I learned to treat myself kindly as opposed to blaming myself all the time which is a form of self abuse. Meditation was extremely helpful too because it helped me learn to quieten my thoughts. Practicing gratitude helped me to develop a more positive attitude.
Would you like to try writing a list about what makes you a good boyfriend? You could write down anything you do with the intent of nurturing the relationship.
I can start you off with some examples.
You are thoughtful and plan ways to develop the relationship and maintain interest.
You communicate regularly with her.
You invite her to special occasions.
January 28, 2023 at 6:56 pm #414697AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
What type of meditation do u use to quiet your thoughts?
Okay so let me try adding to the list, what makes me a good boyfriend:
You are thoughtful and plan ways to develop the relationship and maintain interest.
You communicate regularly with her.
You invite her to special occasions.
– I’ll try to communicate calmly with her when there’s a disagreements instead of getting mad
– She can share her struggles with me and i’ll try to understand
– I’ll make sure my family welcomes her, and wont mistreat her
– She doesnt have to be able to cook, because at my home we have a housemaid to do the cooking
– She can always join my family when we are going on holidays
– I’ll frequently visit her house and communicate with her family
– She can also frequently visit my house and eat together with my family
This is all i can think about right now, i‘m pretty sure i can add more to the list
Although i add the list above, i still feel like im boring, i never asked her out to do any activities because i have no hobby…. All i do was finish my task at my office everyday and went home watching tv before i sleep…. I need to change this but idk how, i feel like my routine is very boring… and i have very few friends to make it more fun…
And also do u think i need to have some goals? Because right now i dont have any goals?
January 28, 2023 at 9:05 pm #414698AnonymousInactiveSometimes i want to make my life more interactive and fun, but i dont know how… sometimes i feel lazy to try and approach people because i’ve been living lonely and i get used to it…..
And because this girl often post on social media while interacting with people, i feel like i need to change myself for her…. I want to show her that i have many people i can interact with too, but right now i dont have people to interact, it’s hard….
January 28, 2023 at 10:36 pm #414699AnonymousInactiveHelcat, as you’ve followed my journey, do u think there is anything wrong with how i live my life?
Maybe it could be that as a guy im too goalless? Too lazy? Or maybe too isolated? Or could it be because i’ve been living in this isolated situation that makes me like this?
January 29, 2023 at 5:49 am #414700HelcatParticipantHi Eric
Great work on your list, I hope you will add to it as you think of more things.
Exercise and watching tv are good hobbies. But it wouldn’t hurt to add something else. Is there anything you’ve been interested in but never gotten around to doing?
It’s not helpful to compare your life to other people’s. We all have our own unique journey. I understand that you’ve experienced trauma in the past in the form of bullying. And there have been hints of some unique family dynamics. But you’ve had difficulty discussing these things.
These kinds of issues shaped who you are and your life into what it is today. You have steadily been working on your anxiety. I’m glad that your new relationship has pushed you to experience new things and make some real headway with your anxiety. I think it’s a breakthrough that you are motivated not to avoid your fears despite the intensity. Naturally, since your partner is very social, I’m sure you will meet more new people and become more comfortable with social interaction in time.
January 29, 2023 at 6:13 am #414701AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
Is there anything you’ve been interested in but never gotten around to doing?
= Tbh i dont. Like i have no interest in doing anything. It feels like i need to force myself to like something if i wanna have interest in something new.
Naturally, since your partner is very social, I’m sure you will meet more new people and become more comfortable with social interaction in time.
= This is one of the reasons why i have anxiety, that she’s social…. I’m afraid she might meet someone new and she saw that guy is better than me and decides to leave me…. I keep feeling worried every time she went out with her friends….
Moreover, she’s not as enthusiast to meet me like the first three months….
Also do u think if there is an ocassion/event, and i present her a gift (kind of luxury) do u think it might boost our relationship…. Like i wanna show her that she’s secure with me and im serious with her…. And maybe she can be more enthusiast in meeting me again….
January 30, 2023 at 12:13 am #414727HelcatParticipantHi Eric
Since you don’t have any preferences, why not think about something that you would like to do with your partner one day?
Do you have any ideas of what you would like to do for valentine’s day?
My technique for meditation is pretty simple. I focus on my lower abdomen and practice breathing from the diaphragm into my belly. There are loads of different kinds of meditation. If you experience any difficulty there is usually a different method that might be more suitable.
For example, when I started I had a lot of racing thoughts, anxiety and breathing exercises triggered PTSD. I had to use a different type of meditation from what I practice now. This meditation involved focusing on sensations in my body popping up. Allowing new sensations in different locations to draw focus. I didn’t really have to focus on one thing, it was helpful when my mind had a tendency to wander.
It’s helpful to practice when you are already at your most relaxed because learning to meditate can be challenging and being relaxed is half the battle.
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