Home→Forums→Tough Times→Pls i beg, anyone help me with this every year issue of mine
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February 2, 2023 at 7:28 pm #414894
Anonymous
InactiveI apologize if i’ve been talking a lot,
But today i feel so worried and anxious… as her staycation is tomorrow (saturday), i really hope no boys would approach her when she post her pretty pics for 2 days… i really hope so….
Why does this have to happen few days before those 2 events….
I dont know how to keep myself calm, i keep thinking about every scenario that can happen if she post her pics later on….
I should’ve posted our relationship way before, not wait until valentines… so that no boys would approach her….
February 2, 2023 at 10:14 pm #414896Helcat
ParticipantHi Eric
There’s no need to apologise. This is your journal and you are free to express anxiety.
I’m sorry you’re struggling. I have some grounding techniques to share that can be soothing when anxiety is high. Please feel free to research your own online. There are many techniques and you may find something more suitable for you.
I’m also going to share that this is recurring anxiety due to the theme of being afraid she will leave you as you have anxiety about not feeling good enough. It isn’t really linked to occasions, this is a constant fear for you. But occasions such as this do bring it to your attention. This may be a coping strategy to reduce your anxiety at other times. What I’m trying to suggest is that it isn’t really about what is happening. If that makes sense?
Anyway, the aforementioned grounding techniques.
Describing senses in detail. Aim for 5 things for each sense. But don’t worry about smell and taste as much. The more detail the better. Imagine that you are describing these sensations to an alien new to this world. They don’t really know what it is you are describing, so they need a really detailed description.
Imagery is another good exercise. Imagine a place that feels really safe to you. This could be anywhere real or not. Anything is possible, it is your imagination. Anything or anyone you need at all is there.
I like to imagine being down at the beach with my dogs because it is my favourite place and being with them makes me feel safe. I also like to see them happy and they are happy when they run.
When you have some ideas, begin to describe it to yourself in detail how it would feel to be there. Any sensations, like the grounding exercise above.
For example, the sun is shining. The sand is damp and my feet sink slightly into it as I walk. The sound of the waves is soothing, with the rhythmic gentle crash like someone softly shushing. Shhhh! The dogs are running and jumping in the sea. When they run back to me they shake and flick droplets of water onto me giving me a shock even though they do this every time and I do my best to dodge out of the way.
If you feel up to it try taking a look at your list of what makes you a good boyfriend. If not, that’s fine too.
Please let me know if you find any parts helpful or unhelpful. It may give some insight into what helps your anxiety.
Wishing you all the best 🙏
February 2, 2023 at 10:59 pm #414900Anonymous
InactiveDear helcat,
Thank you for the technique suggestion, i’ll read more about it and tell you how is it impacting to me….
As you’ve suggested imagery, i used to use ways by hearing calming music in youtube while i close my eyes…. Trying to calm myself from overthinking and worries… But it’s not really working as im impatient…
I’m also going to share that this is recurring anxiety due to the theme of being afraid she will leave you as you have anxiety about not feeling good enough. It isn’t really linked to occasions, this is a constant fear for you. But occasions such as this do bring it to your attention.
= Yes, you are right i’m afraid that she’ll leave due to im not good enough…. But is this not linked to ocassions? It’s due to my inner fear?
Like for example if she doesnt go into staycation with her friends, it’s definitely safer right? Like no boys will notice her…. But due to this occassion, it’s exposing her existence and showing her pretty appearance which might trigger boys to initiate a text with her…
All i can hope is that what she post later on wont trigger any boys…
I’m trying to find several ways to calm myself and i’m gonna use your suggestions too, because i’ll never stop thinking about it till she finishes her staycation….
I’m trying to calm myself while planning for those 2 events with her….
February 2, 2023 at 11:02 pm #414901Helcat
ParticipantI also read something online a few weeks ago that I found helpful.
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
Read it. Then read it backwards once again your mind.
This is how we control our thoughts. How we guide them into where we want our attention to settle.
I thought, well if I can do it with reading which for me is thinking about the words I see. I can think about words I choose any time I want to.
So when anxious thoughts start popping up to myself. I think something silly and offbeat to myself. ELEPHANT. ELEPHANT. ELEPHANT.
The repetition reminded me of a System of a Down song where they sing “BANANA, BANANA, TERRICOTA, TERRICOTA PIE”. I use this one as well.
But yes. The point is, it’s the ability to distract yourself from the anxious thoughts. This might involve choosing to do an activity. Watching TV or exercise for example. I also find that if I’m busier, I have less time alone with my anxious thoughts because my mind is focused on tasks or activities.
February 2, 2023 at 11:12 pm #414902Helcat
ParticipantHey Eric
It’s good to hear that you are trying to calm yourself!
I’m sorry that it can be frustrating. Developing self-soothing / anxiety reducing skills can take some time. So I encourage you to be patient with yourself and keep trying.
Yup, inner fear. If you think about it, your partner must be around boys in class at University and she is quite able to handle those situations.
I’d love to hear about any other things that you come up with that you find helpful for calming yourself. Calming music is a great idea.
February 2, 2023 at 11:15 pm #414903Anonymous
InactiveSo u mean, we shouldnt entertain our minds?
But isnt out minds are on our side? Trying to make sure we do our best, preventing ourselves from getting hurt…
And yeah i agree, if i’m occupied with doing activities or tasks, i tend to forget about these thoughts… This is why sometimes i went to the gym, not for exercising but at least it gives a task for me to do, preventing myself from thinking any thoughts…
Also while i’m trying to distract my mind, i honestly want to pass this obstacle (the staycation) as soon as possible, like i really do want to pass this obstacle quickly….
February 2, 2023 at 11:35 pm #414904Anonymous
InactiveTbh, i’m also starting to regret why i didnt post a picture of both of us when we were having a dinner with my family, i could show to people that both of us are together… and maybe it’d feel more ease now… But i’m trying to not think about that regret….
Now that i’m going to have to wait for 9 days to meet her, so the earliest i can post about our relationship is in 9 days, so i have to face the obstacles first…. I hope i can wait calmly for the next 9 days…. It shouldnt be long right?
And thank you for hearing my anxiety, i’m really in frustrated state right now… and having someone who’d like to hear my anxiety is really assuring…
February 3, 2023 at 2:47 am #414907Helcat
ParticipantHi Eric
It’s complicated. On the one hand our minds are trying their best to help us. On the other hand sometimes what comes as human instinct and might be helpful when having immediate danger doesn’t necessarily help us in the long term.
For example, when experiencing trauma as children. We can’t always fight back. Avoidance is basically the only strategy we have.
But as an adult we can carry that avoidance with us. Avoiding memories of past trauma. But we are adults now, we are better able to defend ourselves compared to a child. And we are not necessarily exposed to trauma as frequently as adults. Despite this, avoidance can be a habit that persists creating anxiety and limiting our choices and experiences in life.
The nature of anxiety and avoidance confirms that you when you do avoid you were correct to be afraid and every time you are exposed to the same situation in the future, it wants to avoid again and so anxiety builds. It simply becomes a habit that anything that feels threatening should be avoided.
There’s also another element. Children have a habit of blaming themselves. They’re basically sponges absorbing everything from the world around them. Even the smartest child doesn’t necessarily understand the world around them.
So a child who experiences trauma and is blamed by other people simply accepts that. If other people say this is my fault, it must be true. Even when it is the people hurting us that are the ones telling us these things.
Children who blame themselves become adults that blame themselves. It’s a habit. But the truth is trauma is not your fault. You are not to blame for other people treating you poorly in the past. You deserved a happy and peaceful life and still do. You deserve to be an adult who doesn’t blame yourself and doesn’t have to carry that pain.
February 3, 2023 at 2:58 am #414908Helcat
ParticipantRight now you are blaming yourself. Well I should have made our relationship official. I should have posted photos. I’m afraid she will leave because I’m not good enough. Telling yourself that you made mistakes and this anxiety is the result.
You will come to learn in time that none of it is true. It’s all simply an old habit. Something that you’ve done over and over for year’s because you had bad experiences as a child.
February 3, 2023 at 7:41 am #414916Anonymous
InactiveDear helcat,
Thank you for the detailed explanation regarding how i experience trauma when i was a child which leads me to always suffering from anxiety and worry right now….
Do u think how i’m afraid that she might think i’m “low” if she saw my ‘small’ house is also part of that trauma?
I feel like there is nothing i can offer to her, that’s why i really wanna show her my financial capabilities… but because my house is small it’s hard for me to show it…. because logically people with a strong financial capabilities must’ve a big house right? But my parents never start building the “big house”…. yes they’ve planned on it for a long time, but they keep postponing because they are already comfortable with our small house…..
So today one of our higher rank employees from our company just finished constructing her new house, it’s way bigger than ours… when i went there i really wanna tell my parents, why wont they start building the new house….. Because i know our financial capabilities can build us a big house that’ll really ease all of my anxiety regarding my “house trauma”
You will come to learn in time that none of it is true. It’s all simply an old habit. Something that you’ve done over and over for year’s because you had bad experiences as a child.
One of it was because when i was in middle school, i used to get mocked from some of my friends due to my house … i think this trauma triggers me till now, that im so embarrassed if i have a small house…… that’s why till now i havent invited her to my house….. i wanna show my financial capabilities first…..
I think this trauma is also because i used to get underestimated and misunderstood….. like when i was younger, my friends used to mock my house thinking that i have a lower financial capabilities than them….. also because my family owns an aquarium store in which the store is wet…. But they didnt know that my dad’s company has build several housing complex and owns food markets, etc…
This is why it’s hard for me, to show her that i have financial capabilities i cant just only invite her to my house….. she wont know right? That’s why it’s tiring that i have to explain those above…. to show my financial capabilities….
February 3, 2023 at 9:18 am #414918Anonymous
InactiveTomorrow she’s going for the staycation, i’m going to have to brace myself….
I really hope that everything will be alright, till those 2 events (the standup comedy show and valentine)….. I really really hope so 🙏
February 3, 2023 at 10:22 am #414920Helcat
ParticipantHi Eric
Thank you for explaining about your previous experiences of house trauma growing up. It definitely sounds like these worries are a trigger from an old wound.
Children can be very cruel. I’m sorry they did that to you. To a child big house = money.
But in reality it sounds like your family chose to invest in their business as opposed to their home. This is actually very smart because I’m sure they did it because they knew they would make a lot more money, more quickly if they invested in their business as opposed to an expensive large home which is a large expenditure and might not make as much money immediately.
I also think that whilst on one hand there’s trauma, on the other there are social and cultural concerns that you are very aware of.
That is why your plan with the gifts sounds like a good idea to me.
On the plus side, I’m sure that her parents are very aware of your financial capabilities, especially since your company just built their house. I’m sure that they will make her aware of the situation.
You never know, your parents may be considering building a house sooner than you think. Since you are dating they may be considering your future. Being married one day and raising children of your own. It might be worth having a discussion about it.
February 3, 2023 at 7:18 pm #414930Anonymous
InactiveDear helcat,
Children can be very cruel. I’m sorry they did that to you. To a child big house = money.
= yes, and tbh till this day i still hate those people who mock my house, and i wont invite those people when my new house is fully constructed….
I also think that whilst on one hand there’s trauma, on the other there are social and cultural concerns that you are very aware of.
That is why your plan with the gifts sounds like a good idea to me.
= Yes, i’m really aware of the social and cultural concerns that’s why im planning to give those gifts….
Even there is another cruel thing in the past, one of my friends doesnt believe my family owns food markets, housing complex because of my small house…. It’s really annoying, and im still annoyed till now…. Yes her house is big, but it’s not that our family cant build a house like that, we can build a house like that…
On the plus side, I’m sure that her parents are very aware of your financial capabilities, especially since your company just built their house. I’m sure that they will make her aware of the situation.
= No, my company didnt built their house, when i visited their house… her mother ask me what my company does and i told her our company build and sell houses… i really wanted to explain further that time but the conversation topic changed…
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<div class=”bbp-reply-content”>You never know, your parents may be considering building a house sooner than you think. Since you are dating they may be considering your future. Being married one day and raising children of your own. It might be worth having a discussion about it.
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<div class=”bbp-pagination”>= yes, because as u know in my country’s culture, couples who get married still lives with the husband parents… it’s a normal thing here…. But some also choose to be independent and live individually after marriage…. It’s a matter of choice…</div>
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<div>And yesterday i’ve discussed it with them… and yes they’ve planned on building a new house but dont know when will it start constructing as they’re still thinking of 2 choices…</div>
<div>Using the land to build 1 big house with a garden or use the land to build 2 separate house with a garden… so my parents said when i married later on i’ll live in a separate house but just beside them…. But if the land is used to build 2 separate house it’ll definitely be smaller than the “1 big house with a garden”</div>
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<div></div>February 3, 2023 at 7:21 pm #414931Anonymous
Inactive~ the above one is confusing so just read this one ~
Dear helcat,
Children can be very cruel. I’m sorry they did that to you. To a child big house = money.
= yes, and tbh till this day i still hate those people who mock my house, and i wont invite those people when my new house is fully constructed….
I also think that whilst on one hand there’s trauma, on the other there are social and cultural concerns that you are very aware of.
That is why your plan with the gifts sounds like a good idea to me.
= Yes, i’m really aware of the social and cultural concerns that’s why im planning to give those gifts….
Even there is another cruel thing in the past, one of my friends doesnt believe my family owns food markets, housing complex because of my small house…. It’s really annoying, and im still annoyed till now…. Yes her house is big, but it’s not that our family cant build a house like that, we can build a house like that…
On the plus side, I’m sure that her parents are very aware of your financial capabilities, especially since your company just built their house. I’m sure that they will make her aware of the situation.
= No, my company didnt built their house, when i visited their house… her mother ask me what my company does and i told her our company build and sell houses… i really wanted to explain further that time but the conversation topic changed…
You never know, your parents may be considering building a house sooner than you think. Since you are dating they may be considering your future. Being married one day and raising children of your own. It might be worth having a discussion about it.
= yes, because as u know in my country’s culture, couples who get married still lives with the husband parents… it’s a normal thing here…. But some also choose to be independent and live individually after marriage…. It’s a matter of choice…
And yesterday i’ve discussed it with them… and yes they’ve planned on building a new house but dont know when will it start constructing as they’re still thinking of 2 choices……
Using the land to build 1 big house with a garden or use the land to build 2 separate house with a garden… so my parents said when i married later on i’ll live in a separate house but just beside them…. But if the land is used to build 2 separate house it’ll definitely be smaller than the “1 big house with a garden”
February 3, 2023 at 10:54 pm #414934Anonymous
InactiveToday is the day of her staycation, i really hope she doesnt post any pics that might cause guys to get attracted to her…. I really hope so…
I know i sound like i keep repeating about her staycation, but i feel like i wanna write my worries here because i dont know anywhere else where i can spill my worries…
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