Dear lorn:

I read your original post very carefully, wanting to understand most accurately what you are experiencing and what kind of input you are asking for. As I read, I was able to relate to your experiences because I believe that I experienced something very similar. I will tell you about my experiences honestly and truthfully. When I use your words (at times with minor adjustments), I will boldface them. Maybe my sharing will be of some help to you.

Growing up, including during my teenage years and later, I too felt great pain and distress and the guilt and the shame just wouldn’t go away, no matter what, except at rare occasions and during the long times I used to fantasize/ day dream about having a love relationship (which I did not have in real-life, not even close), and during other fantasies where I was a famous dancer, a movie star and such.

I wanted to be a good student in school but I couldn’t force my brain to focus and my mind would just wander, and my memory was so bad. Memorizing a few lines was almost impossible, and I would get brain fog a whole lot of the time.

No matter the rational thoughts that occurred in my brain, my shame, guilt and overall emotional distress took over and my life was so very difficult: academically and in every other aspect.

Fast forward a few decades, and my memory is still poor but improved, I don’t day dream at all about love stories or being a famous dancer and such. I can focus better on what people say to me, but my attention to details is still poor in most respects. I believe that it’s the emotional distress that I suffered growing up, day in and day out, year after year, that harmed my cognitive abilities (my abilities to focus, to pay attention, to memorize, to remember). It’s a good thing though that at least partial healing and partial recovery has been possible for me years after I ended my exposure to the main emotional stressor (a person) in my life.

I will stop here to ask you (only if you would like to answer, of course) if you relate to my experiences, and if you have thoughts that you would like to share in regard to what I shared so far.

anita