Dear Anil,

I feel so guilty and ashamed because I confessed to a married woman and it made our friendship awkward.

First, don’t feel guilty because although she wasn’t officially divorced, she was separated from her husband. She even had a boyfriend after her separation, with whom she broke up. All that happened before you even met her:

she was separated from her husband (she was a victim of domestic abuse, so she left her husband but never divorced him). She had a boyfriend after moving away from her husband and they broke up soon (This happened before I met her)

So when you met her, she wasn’t in a relationship with anybody, so you weren’t trying to steal her away from anyone. You confessed your feelings, because you fell in love with her, and you didn’t make any mistake by doing that.

Where you probably made a mistake is that you couldn’t accept her rejection and you did something that hurt her:

I fell so hard for her and I confessed to her after 6 months, she denied it politely. I couldn’t accept the rejection and avoided her on purpose because I know I would end up getting hurt again and would hurt her in the process of making her love me back.

After my confession, I just couldn’t bear the pain and I became so toxic towards both of them and hurt them both. I stopped talking to them or meeting them anymore.

May I ask what have you done to hurt her? Did you just avoid her (and that male friend of yours), or there was something else you’ve done, which you think is toxic behavior?

You say you had a similar experience with another woman 7 years ago. She too rejected you but you couldn’t accept it, so you say you ended up hurting her:

A part of me wanted her but I know it couldn’t happen no matter how hard I tried, I ended up hurting the woman I loved and myself.

How have you hurt her?

I have been running around in circles looking for love or approval, but it never happens. … I would like to know what can I do now to make my life and people around me better.

It seems there’s been a pattern of unrequited love: you loving someone and yearning for their love, but them not loving you back. We have such deep yearning usually when we don’t really love ourselves, and we believe we need someone to fulfill us. To give us the love we desperately need. It’s very likely related to your childhood and perhaps feeling unlovable?