Dear Anil,

I don’t know why I was always under the assumption that a romantic interest would understand me and fix me but I don’t think its a feasible solution to achieve happiness.

That’s actually very common – our romantic relationships are a mirror of the relationship with our parents. And in our romantic relationships we try to get what he haven’t received from our parents. In your case, you craved that someone would love you, care for you and understand you, because you haven’t received that from your parents.

But you’re right, it’s not a feasible solution to achieve happiness, because even if we were to find a super caring person, that emotional wound and the sense of lack that we’ve experienced in childhood would still be in us, and it would never be enough. When there’s a wound inside, it’s like a bottomless pit – it cannot get filled, even if someone is trying their best to love us and care for us.

That’s why the solution is to heal that wound first, to give ourselves what we were lacking in childhood. And that’s when you won’t be so needy in a relationship, but will be able to love and care for yourself better. As a result, you’ll also have a different dynamic with girls, you won’t be so needy, and you’ll be able to have a healthy relationship.

the last couple of months have been terrible, I caged myself in an endless pain and suffering with alcohol, cannabis and cigarettes (Currently, I’m sober for a month and I feel a bit better) . I’m doing a bit better now with good sleep, food, meditation and mindfulness.

Glad you’re doing better now and taking care of yourself better! But yes, addiction is a typical way of soothing our pain. I believe that every addiction is about soothing or numbing the pain of our inner child… If you can get in touch with that inner child and meet his unmet emotional needs (the best would be with the help of therapy), you can be free from addiction too. And other issues too, such as low self-esteem.

Have you considered therapy? Do you have access to it?