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Hi Tee,
thanks for replying, in regards to those issues she has always spent a lot, parcels would always be arriving, she was always looking for the next trip away and wanting to eat out, she has said she has stopped spending as much but it’s hard to judge as I haven’t been there as much. She did email me a break down of her debts but my concern is she earns good money and what she showed me didn’t seem too bad so she could have easily cleared them over the last few years had she wanted, which made me think they are worse than she is leading me to believe, plus debt letters did arrive at the house now and again and she brushed it off if I asked if it was anything serious and if she was ok with her debt.
On her kid front, I have asked over the years what led to her not looking after her and she has said a little bit around the circumstances but never why her parents had permanent guardianship or why she has never wanted to build a proper relationship with her daughter. When we first got together she said her parents had her while she got her career on track but that hasn’t been the case, when we moved in together we did the spare room and she said it was so her daughter could stay over if she wanted, as far as I know she’s never even asked her. I’ve just always felt like I get parts of the puzzle and if I ask her more she gets upset or that I haven’t raised it in a productive way and she needs advanced notice for that kind of talk. My brain goes in overdrive though and makes it’s own narratives or thinks she needs advanced warning to prepare answers I deem acceptable or will easily accept.
I have never been pushy or demanding about her opening up, if anything I let the lack of transparency go on too long. My concern is if we had a child would she walk away from that child too, which I know is a horrible thought of someone you love.