Home→Forums→Relationships→Relationship anxiety/commitment fear or just not the one
- This topic has 22 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 6 months ago by johnwilliando.
-
AuthorPosts
-
March 2, 2023 at 8:10 am #415971FreddieParticipant
HI everyone,
new to the site but thought this place might be useful in dealing with some stuff I’m going through. This might be a lengthy post so thanks in advance to those who read.
Over the past several months I’ve been in an on again off again relationship cycle, which was instigated by me and I am responsible for the toxic back and forth.
I have been with my partner for 7 years, we got engaged early last year. About 6 months later I started feeling like there were issues in the relationship that needed addressing, mainly to do with money and having children. We talked stuff out and said we would work on things but a few days later we argued about things and I left. I went back about a week later and stuck around for another 2 weeks before leaving again. Since then we have been off and on, one of us will make contact and the cycle starts again.
I seem to be dealing with anxiety no matter what stage of the cycle I’m in, if I’m with her I get caught up in all the doubts I had that instigated things, if I’m away from her I miss her, regret my decision and want to see her. I am constantly back and forth on if I’ve done the right thing walking away and although we had things to work on I worry I’ve got scared at this next level of commitment we were heading for so have bailed out of fear.
I have always been a more negative mindset kind of person and I have always looked for faults and flaws In the relationship and life in general, rather than focusing on the good, and there was a lot of good, but maybe it’s easier to focus on the good when I’m missing her.
I’m seeing a therapist which is good talking to a independent party and although I struggle to open up about things we are digging a bit deeper and determining I have some underlined issues around carrying guilt and shame. It’s hard to pinpoint where this comes from as there is nothing particularly traumatic in my past and had a good family upbringing.
My moods and mindset have been all over the place, one day I’m looking to the future, work on myself and move on, days I regret things and beat myself up wondering what could have been and why I aren’t with her, those days tend to be less productive lot of wallowing in self pity.
I know I can get in my own way a lot, I overthink and that’s why I worry I’ve sabotaged a good relationship, through it all she has just said how much she loves me and wants to work on things and I keep pushing her away, I sometimes think I don’t want to be happy and almost enjoy the pain. Or I’m just a coward and can’t step up to the relationship for fear, or I put the fact I was unhappy in myself onto the relationship thinking leaving would make me happier, which It hasn’t.
The relationship was happy for the most part, we get on really well, we enjoy similar things, we made each other laugh and the sex life was great. My main hang ups were her attitude towards money, she spent a lot and was cagey around her debts. The other issue, which may be a difference in values or may be me being too judgemental and narrow minded (which it could well be) is, I have always wanted kids, my partner has a child from when she was younger but the child has always been raised by my partners parents, they don’t have a very mother child relationship, they see each other but only when she visits her parents and it’s not a trip to see her child. They speak and she always gets a Mother’s Day card and my partner buys birthday/Xmas pressies and that kind of thing. Earlier in our relationship we took her child out a few times (her child was maybe 10 then, 15 now) usually from me suggesting, but that fizzled out and my partner put it down to her child not being bothered or her parents saying no, which again raised more questions in my head. I’ve always had hang ups around this, not so much the living arrangements but that my partner has never really talked to me about the circumstances even though over the years I have tried to get her to talk to me about it, and I guess I’ve always wondered why she never wanted to better the relationship with her child. Guess it just seemed to not align with when she said she wants a child with me, but like I say maybe I should have been more willing to accept things for what they wear rather than judging, but it was hard as I always felt she wasn’t able to tell me the whole story, so I think in my head I made up my own narrative.
As it stands we are not together, I keep telling myself it’s for the best and move on but I feel like crap about things especially the hurt I’ve caused her and feel like I took her and the relationship for granted. Even typing my tale of woe out I was thinking why would she want to be with me after what I’ve put her through. She has messaged me a few days ago but I have not replied, I’ve typed out several replies but can never seem to send it, she came online on WhatsApp as I was typing earlier and I had a anxiety spike so freaked out and didn’t send it. Is it my body telling me it’s not for me or me sabotaging myself from potential commitment and happiness.
I don’t know if any of that makes sense or if reading it people see it as a relationship that wasn’t meant to be but I guess how hard it’s been to walk away and the anxiety side and reading about relationship anxiety got me thinking there was more to it so thought I’d have a rant here, see if others have experienced similar things. I know one of the things related to relationship anxiety/ocd is reassurance seeking which I guess this is, and I don’t expect all the answers to be here just thought it was somewhere to brain dump.
Thanks for reading
March 2, 2023 at 11:35 am #415979TeeParticipantDear Freddie,
I think your concerns are valid, since your partner isn’t upfront about important parts of her life, such as the relationship with her child from a previous relationship. And also about her debts, since you say she used to spend a lot of money. Is she still spending a lot?
So if there are some major secrets that she is keeping, it’s a valid enough reason for caution. Specially since she doesn’t seem willing to talk about it honestly.
I think you shouldn’t go against your key values, so it seems to me you did the right thing when you took a break from the relationship. You said:
About 6 months later I started feeling like there were issues in the relationship that needed addressing, mainly to do with money and having children. We talked stuff out and said we would work on things but a few days later we argued about things and I left.
So you did try to address those 2 key stumbling blocks: her money spending habits and her relationship with her child. You say you agreed to work on things. What have you agreed on regarding those 2 main issues, if I may ask?
March 2, 2023 at 12:30 pm #415981FreddieParticipantHi Tee,
thanks for replying, in regards to those issues she has always spent a lot, parcels would always be arriving, she was always looking for the next trip away and wanting to eat out, she has said she has stopped spending as much but it’s hard to judge as I haven’t been there as much. She did email me a break down of her debts but my concern is she earns good money and what she showed me didn’t seem too bad so she could have easily cleared them over the last few years had she wanted, which made me think they are worse than she is leading me to believe, plus debt letters did arrive at the house now and again and she brushed it off if I asked if it was anything serious and if she was ok with her debt.
On her kid front, I have asked over the years what led to her not looking after her and she has said a little bit around the circumstances but never why her parents had permanent guardianship or why she has never wanted to build a proper relationship with her daughter. When we first got together she said her parents had her while she got her career on track but that hasn’t been the case, when we moved in together we did the spare room and she said it was so her daughter could stay over if she wanted, as far as I know she’s never even asked her. I’ve just always felt like I get parts of the puzzle and if I ask her more she gets upset or that I haven’t raised it in a productive way and she needs advanced notice for that kind of talk. My brain goes in overdrive though and makes it’s own narratives or thinks she needs advanced warning to prepare answers I deem acceptable or will easily accept.
I have never been pushy or demanding about her opening up, if anything I let the lack of transparency go on too long. My concern is if we had a child would she walk away from that child too, which I know is a horrible thought of someone you love.
March 2, 2023 at 10:34 pm #415989TeeParticipantDear Freddie,
I’ve just always felt like I get parts of the puzzle and if I ask her more she gets upset or that I haven’t raised it in a productive way and she needs advanced notice for that kind of talk.
This to me is a red flag because if you’re married to someone (which you were planning to), there shouldn’t be taboo topics and secrets. It does seem she was uncomfortable to talk about some parts of her life. And even if it’s not her fault that she doesn’t have a closer relationship with her daughter, she should be willing to talk about it with you, as her partner and confidante. If she is reluctant to share her thoughts and feelings with you on such an important subject, it’s definitely not a good sign.
My concern is if we had a child would she walk away from that child too, which I know is a horrible thought of someone you love.
Well, her behavior with her daughter does raise suspicion about her motherly instinct… And if she does care about her daughter and isn’t the one who is responsible for estrangement – then indeed, why doesn’t she want to talk about it? So again, I understand your suspicion.
As for her spending habits, that too is concerning. She seems to lean towards overspending and as you say, she wasn’t able to clear her debt even though she is making good money. So maybe it’s a perpetual cycle of spending too much and always being in debt. But the most worrying is that she doesn’t want to talk about that either. It seems she just wants be left alone and no questions asked.
I have never been pushy or demanding about her opening up, if anything I let the lack of transparency go on too long.
I see… so you’ve had your concerns, but didn’t dare to ask her about it? When she brushed you off, you sort of accepted it and haven’t bothered her anymore?
I’m seeing a therapist which is good talking to a independent party and although I struggle to open up about things we are digging a bit deeper and determining I have some underlined issues around carrying guilt and shame.
Perhaps you haven’t demanded answers because you felt guilty for being too nosy, or too judgmental? Or she told you you were “too judgmental and narrow minded“?
March 3, 2023 at 3:48 am #415993FreddieParticipantHi Tee,
yeah my concerns have been there and I have asked her about it and tried to get her talk about it, when it came to her debts she would just say they aren’t my concern and she is taking care of it and as long as bills were being paid why should I worry. I’ve tried to get her to open up about her daughter throughout the years but she just seems to give short answers and it never felt like the whole picture. I know her pregnancy was traumatic and the father has never been on the scene.
I suppose I did feel guilty for pushing and that I was judging her, that was never my intention I just wanted her to open up so I could better understand why that relationship is how it is. Whenever she did talk about it money or her child it seemed she thought the bare minimum explanation was enough or she would get upset, I didn’t want her to feel like I was interrogating so would let it go. She would say that for that type of conversation she needed advanced notice, which kinda sounded like she needed time to prepare answers she thought I would want to hear, not necessarily the whole truth.
March 3, 2023 at 5:20 am #415994TeeParticipantDear Freddie,
I’ve tried to get her to open up about her daughter throughout the years but she just seems to give short answers and it never felt like the whole picture. I know her pregnancy was traumatic and the father has never been on the scene.
I can understand if she’s been traumatized by the whole experience, which might be a part of the reason why she is reluctant to be in touch with her daughter. But even if so, she would need treatment for that, talk it out in therapy, since being estranged from her daughter isn’t a healthy thing. And also, there must be a reason her parents obtained permanent guardianship of their granddaughter. But she refuses to talk about it.
That’s unacceptable in my books, and even if there is some big trauma involved, she’d need to show some willingness to work on it. Keeping it a secret and pretending it’s not there doesn’t solve a problem. And it shows she isn’t really willing to open up about it to anyone, including you.
She would say that for that type of conversation she needed advanced notice, which kinda sounded like she needed time to prepare answers she thought I would want to hear, not necessarily the whole truth.
Right… of perhaps it meant the conversation is so triggering for her that she’d need special preparation. However, the fact is that she never allowed this conversation to happen, and never tried to work on the potential trauma with a therapist. So it’s like a tightly sealed box which she refuses to open. Definitely not healthy, specially since it may have repercussion on your relationship and the potential child you may have together. So again, it’s not a trivial thing and not something you should just look away from.
March 3, 2023 at 10:46 am #415997FreddieParticipantHi Tee,
thanks for all the replies, I know it’s hard for her to talk about and I have thought myself that when she needs advanced notice that she needs time to get to a calm frame of mind, but there was never any follow up, and she always put it on me for not asking. She even said once that I’d never asked about Ava during our relationship which was none sense because I’d tried to get her open up numerous times before. She was having therapy but I think she talked more about what was going on between me and her and she then said she was swapping therapists as that one wasn’t helping her but I don’t know if she ever found another.
I know I have my own issues to sort out as well but I think the relationship with her child especially has always sat uncomfortable with me, its like a part of her life she doesn’t want to deal with and is happy for her daughter to be out of sight out of mind. She has always said she wanted to work on our problems but I fear this will always be an area she doesn’t want to confront which spirals my doubts about us having kids.
March 3, 2023 at 11:18 am #415998TeeParticipantDear Freddie,
you’re very welcome.
She even said once that I’d never asked about Ava during our relationship which was none sense because I’d tried to get her open up numerous times before.
Yeah that’s strange that she blamed you for not inquiring, and then when you did, she refused to talk about it. Also, you said it was your idea to take her daughter out several times in the past, but after a few occasions that fizzled out, and she blamed it either on her daughter (that she’s not interested) or on her parents (that they don’t allow it). BTW did you ask her at that time why her parents were objecting?
In any case, it seems pretty clear that she wasn’t too eager to meet her daughter, but then she blamed you, using “attack is the best form of defense” strategy. Shifting the blame on you.
She has always said she wanted to work on our problems but I fear this will always be an area she doesn’t want to confront
Yeah, this seems like something she doesn’t want to address, and it’s pretty major. She cannot really claim that she is willing to work on your problems, when she is refusing to address this super important issue. She is fooling herself, or at least fooling you.
I have always been a more negative mindset kind of person and I have always looked for faults and flaws In the relationship and life in general, rather than focusing on the good
Well it seems that in this case you were right not to focus only on the good stuff, but also to want to clarify the murky stuff, instead of sticking your head in the sand…. If you want to talk more about having a negative mindset (or perhaps it was the circumstances that lead you to be cautious with people?), you’re welcome…
March 3, 2023 at 11:45 am #415999FreddieParticipantThanks Tee,
yeah any help with my negative mindset will help, I am naturally cautious of people and find it hard to trust, think this is part of the problem with my partner. Sometimes I feel I’m choosing to not trust what she tells me and it’s my issue, but I do think she is withholding about her kid and money regardless.
Im in a pretty negative place at the moment, missing her a lot but keep telling myself not to reach out for the wrong reasons such as just to make me feel better. Stuck in that weird mind loop where I think I will miss her in my life but don’t know if we should be together. It’s having an effect on my general well being, I’m wallowing and dwelling on everything rather than trying to be productive and look after myself.
March 3, 2023 at 12:17 pm #416000TeeParticipantDear Freddie,
yeah any help with my negative mindset will help, I am naturally cautious of people and find it hard to trust
Sometimes I feel I’m choosing to not trust what she tells me and it’s my issue
I wonder if there were circumstances in your childhood and upbringing (or perhaps later in life?) that led you to become cautious of people and hard to trust? Because none of us is born non-trusting, but it is what happens to us that shapes us… So any ideas what it might be?
I am sorry you’re feeling down at the moment and very conflicted. I hope you’ll get some clarity and some relief soon enough… And you’re right, try not to reach out to her for the wrong reasons, because it wouldn’t really solve the problem on the long-run, and you’re talking about the long-run stuff here, like marriage and having kids. And it’s not something to take lightly…
March 3, 2023 at 12:35 pm #416002FreddieParticipantThanks again Tee,
I don’t really know where these trust issues come from, I can’t recall any major family related things, I have been trying to dig deeper in my therapy sessions and I’ve talked about how my friendship groups have never been reliable except the few really good mates I made in high school and have kept throughout my adult life. When I was younger, early teens and younger I people pleased to feel accepted among “friends” but they never turned out to be true friends and I often had my confidence knocked and let myself be pushed around and the butt of some jokes.
On the relationship front as hard as it is I’m trying give us both some space to avoid another on off cycle, if it’s meant to be hopefully it all works out even if we are apart at the moment. Just have to hope it’s not too late if I do reach out.
March 3, 2023 at 11:27 pm #416003TeeParticipantDear Freddie,
you’re welcome!
my friendship groups have never been reliable except the few really good mates I made in high school and have kept throughout my adult life. When I was younger, early teens and younger I people pleased to feel accepted among “friends” but they never turned out to be true friends and I often had my confidence knocked and let myself be pushed around and the butt of some jokes.
This could be a major cause of your trust issues. Being betrayed and ridiculed by the people you thought were your friends. You say you people pleased – where those “friends” of yours bullies, and if you didn’t do what they wanted, they would have harassed you?
On the relationship front as hard as it is I’m trying give us both some space to avoid another on off cycle, if it’s meant to be hopefully it all works out even if we are apart at the moment. Just have to hope it’s not too late if I do reach out.
How are you hoping for things to work out? Is there a chance that she opens up about her relationship with her daughter and explain things?
March 4, 2023 at 4:36 am #416005FreddieParticipantHey Tee,
I suppose my friends would be classed as frenimies, they were friends until it suited and yes there would be name calling or ridicule, they were the type of friends who built them selves up by knocking someone else down.
I’m not sure what the best play in terms of my partner is, I miss her and wish I had handled things differently from the get go and avoided this messy on off situation. Family say I should leave it and move on but they aren’t in it I guess. If she opened up about her child I think it would be a big step. I just worry the damage is done to the relationship and we couldn’t repair. I don’t know whether to reach out to her or not as I don’t want cause either of us anymore hurt, but at the same time am I throwing something good away.
March 4, 2023 at 9:08 am #416006TeeParticipantDear Freddie,
I suppose my friends would be classed as frenimies, they were friends until it suited and yes there would be name calling or ridicule, they were the type of friends who built them selves up by knocking someone else down.
I see… when these friends would verbally abuse you and ridicule you, did you have anyone to confide it? Primarily I am thinking of your parents. Did you have someone to support you and protect you if necessary, or not really?
I just worry the damage is done to the relationship and we couldn’t repair.
How do you think you caused damage (and possibly irrepairable damage) to the relationship? What’s your part of the responsibility, in your opinion?
March 4, 2023 at 11:08 am #416007FreddieParticipantI didn’t really confide in anyone just dealt with it myself and bottled it up I suppose, I used to talk to my dad about stuff if anything got majorly on top of me, but my terrible friends I tended to just put up with on my own.
I think I caused damage by instigating this on off cycle we have been in, it’s caused a lot of hurt to her and I’ve been getting anxiety about if I’m doing the right thing or not. I should have been more upfront about my concerns earlier and not sat on things as long as I did and perhaps made her feel safer about talking about her daughter.
She has just messaged asking if we need to talk as she must have seen me typing out one of the many messages on WhatsApp to her that I couldn’t send. Anxiety wave went through the roof and I was sweating as I didn’t know how to respond, maybe talking it all out would help clear the air, I just don’t want make things worse or create another cycle of hurt.
-
AuthorPosts