Forum Replies Created
July 3, 2023 at 1:42 pm #420686
I think I internalised the bullying and teasing out of not wanting rock the boat, look weak and to people please, I think I felt like at least I was accepted in a group even if I was made to feel the weak link. My sisters treated my brother as the baby of the family I guess but he was always more confident and sure of himself from a early age so never had my insecurities.
im trying to tell myself that the breakup wasn’t all my fault and that she brought some issues to the table too, I’m trying tell myself we wouldn’t have had a kid, or worse like you said had one she couldn’t feel maternal too. It’s just hard letting her go at the moment and I’m still kidding myself that we could work it out even though she has moved on and the damage is done.
thanks again for all the advice Tee, I do appreciate it.July 2, 2023 at 1:14 pm #420670
i remember instances where I was ridiculed or mad to feel inferior to my so called friends, I guess they had a more profound impact on me than I really thought. I think I let other people let me think I was low value, this is still the case now, if I meet someone new whether at work or socially I instantly think I’m the inferior person if that makes sense, I bite my tongue, agree with them, don’t speak my mind and hide my personality.
i have 2 older sisters and a younger brother, I was never bullied or anything by my sisters but I guess they sometimes babied me and maybe saw as their play thing. I do feel inferior to my siblings, they have all done well in life, both my sisters have families of their own. My younger brother has a good career and is financially sound and has a confidence about him that I envy.
yeah my ex sang my praises, another reason why I’m beating myself and thinking I lost something good. She did shy away from certain topics though, her debt, her daughter and kids. Maybe she bigged me up and showered me with praise to keep me rocking the boat. I do think she genuinely loved me which makes her making such a u turn even harder.
when we first got together she said she didn’t want kids and we should have worked that out there and then but it was early days and we liked each other so we ignored it. I brought it up maybe 2 years in again and she said she could see herself having a kid with me, but there seemed to always be a reason to delay it, work, new jobs and then marrriage.July 1, 2023 at 1:35 pm #420656
I can’t think of any standout moment from my childhood that would spark the critical inner voice, I have always let people put me down and let myself be the punchline to others jokes. Had a lot of friends who weren’t really very good friends growing up, I let myself be pushed around a lot and people pleased.
yeah my ex had a big impact on me and I think I’m struggling because she used to have such a high opinion of me and now it feels like she doesn’t recognise me or can’t see any of the good I contributed to her life only the train wreck the break up became. I suppose how quickly she’s been able to turn off her feelings and start something new is making me feel like she met someone better. I know that’s the critical voice talking again and I am trying to not listen to it as much, just hard when it’s always been there. Thanks a lot for all you help and advice I do appreciate it.June 29, 2023 at 1:29 pm #420589
yeah I think I understand what you are saying about the critical voice, never really know how to access my inner child or where them wounds stem from, the way I think about and talk to myself has always been the same. Sometimes I have a high opinion of myself, like when I first left the relationship part of me was thinking I could find something better, I sometimes feel like that’s a bit narcissistic or even self sabotaging because I know the end result when things don’t work out or go wrong is how I’m feeling now and the low opinion of myself. I feel like sometimes I build myself up so I can watch myself fall and almost like subconsciously I need the misery if that makes sense. I know it’s not healthy and this mindset is scaring me at the moment as this is the lowest I’ve ever felt, and I’ve never beat myself up or had negativity this powerful about myself before.
I am trying to notice and challenge my thoughts but it is hard, even when I try to focus on positive stuff like building myself back up and working on myself the critic tries to knock me back down by highlighting my failures and at the moment is repeatedly telling me that my ex has sailed off into the sunset with someone much better than me.
I think I will try journaling maybe getting all the nonesense down on paper will help me realise it’s not the whole truth and that I have worth. I will try observing my thought patterns like you said and try and be more tuned in to how I speak about and to myself and try and start challenging the negatives.June 28, 2023 at 1:09 pm #420550
yeah I think you are partly right about wanting to prove I’m not a bad person and that if she could give me another chance maybe id prove my worth or be able show I could fix things. I’m trying work on myself it’s hard to know where start, have no clue how to heal my inner child.
i know I’m depressed at the moment, I know I’m lonely and missing her or at least the thought of her. I naturally dwell on stuff so just keep replaying past encounters with her picking apart what I did wrong, but I’ve always been like that. Keep picturing her with this new guy and all the things they could be doing which is driving me crazy. The critical voice in my head is trying it’s best convince me I won’t meet anyone like her again and I’ll die alone, gotta love that self talk.
im getting back in the gym, I’m starting to draw again which fell to sidelines the last couple of years. Got a cbt session booked but not till august and the doc has prescribed me some anti depressants so maybe they will help. I just feel lost, hurt and broken at the moment which kinda sucks.June 27, 2023 at 1:20 pm #420519
thanks again for the big reply and trying to get me see the bigger picture. I’m trying to accept it’s done although I’m still in the ‘maybe there is still a chance’ way of thinking which I know is quite sad. Just beating myself up a lot and I’m so angry at myself cos I feel I should have done more to save us and that I sabotaged something good. I know I’m probably looking at her through rose tinted glasses at the moment, and it is heart breaking that she has already found a connection with someone else after telling me she didn’t want to date and wouldn’t find a connection like ours in May. I still can’t think about being with someone else. I had a date last night and she was a pleasant enough girl but I knew I was only there because I knew my ex was with someone and I was comparing the poor girl to my ex all date. I know I need get my head straight before starting anything serious, I just keep thinking my ex found someone better than me already.
I appreciate all the words of wisdom and if you are willing to chat more about my issues I would greatly appreciate it.June 26, 2023 at 3:00 pm #420491
thanks for the reply and what you say does make sense and I know I need to let her go and move on. I think I’m struggling because I naturally blame myself for anything that goes wrong in my life and because my ex and her friends, one of which I spoke to a week ago have put everything on me and the breakup was a result of my issues. Obviously I miss her and I still love her and I think the whole thing has been made harder by her meeting someone and almost forgetting about me and what she said she felt about me overnight, and obviously at the moment I have on a pedestal and keep remembering the good stuff.
The whole thing just got me to a really dark place where I’m just angry at myself and beating myself up whilst hurting and feeling lonely. I’m starting some cbt counselling which will hopefully help and I’m going the doctors to let him know where my head is and hopefully I can get some medication to help with my mood and mindset as well.June 25, 2023 at 5:33 pm #420468
I do regret my decision, I left originally because we had got engaged but she was cagey around debt she had, and although never denied having debt was reluctant to go into details, but I thought we should have all cards on the table money wise. The other bigger issue was I always wanted kids, my ex came around to wanting a kid with me during the course of our relationship. She has a daughter who is 15 now but she has lived with my partners parents since she was two. When we first met my ex said this was just till she had her career on track then her daughter would move in with her (her daughter was 8 when we met). The living arrangements never changed during the course of our relationship even when we moved in together her daughter never stayed over or even visited unless my exes parents came around. They never had a mother daughter relationship and when I tried to get her to open up to the reasons for this and why she never seemed to want to improve the relationship with her daughter she closed off or got upset. This bothered me because I felt there was more to the story and wondered if she did really want a child with me when she didn’t seem to want to improve the relationship with the daughter she had. I tried many times over the course of our relationship to get her to open up, when we first started seeing each other I invited her daughter to come out places with us to get to know her, which she did a few times but then it stopped, my ex said it was because her daughter didn’t want to go or that my exes parents wouldn’t let her, again adding to my confusion around the dynamics.
I love her and miss her incredibly and I know she is a good person, I have never judged her on her past but I just felt there was unanswered questions especially around her daughter that she didn’t want to talk to me about. I only ever wanted to understand so I could either support her or help her navigate the situation.
since the split all the focus was on my actions and behaviour like pushing her away and the on off, and I am not condoning some of my actions and I do regret hurting her, in my head everything I was doing was for the greater good and bigger picture but because we didn’t leave each other alone, neither of us were dealing with or processing the things we needed to work on to move forward. I should have communicated better, said from the get go I need a few weeks or a couple of months no contact to get my head sorted and she could do the same but we didn’t, we were always drawn back to each other.
I always thought we would end up together because we had problems to sort but we loved each other and had an amazing connection. It hurts that she said she would never find that connection again a few weeks ago but has suddenly met someone who has made her forget all about it.June 25, 2023 at 2:37 pm #420466
Thanks for the replies, I am not trying to hide or not say that I have not contributed to the breakup, we were happy for 7 years I wasn’t anxious in that time and I was committed to her and the relationship. The cracks started when I raised issues several times throughout the relationship and the topics were either brushed over or I was made to feel bad for bringing it up. I have always done my best to support and be there for her and I tried to get her to open up about certain things but never got full answers. I love her so always gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought if I was patient or made her feel safe in talking she would. Certain topics were going unanswered especially around kids, which led to the break up, the anxiety came after the break up, which I think stemmed from me loving and wanting be with her but feeling like the issues were not being resolved. This is why I thought a bit of space between us would help us both get our heads straight then we could talk everything over without the anxiety or the messiness of the on off behaviour. I always wanted to be with her, I always wanted to work things out, I know I could have handled things better and that’s the beauty of hindsight.March 5, 2023 at 8:56 am #416017
yeah this definitely correlates with me never speaking up for myself or asking things I felt I shouldn’t, this has been an issue throughout my life, I go with the flow or comprise myself and my thoughts to please others. I think early on in our relationship I don’t want to press her because of how much I liked her and didn’t want risk a break up, but this snowballed into me holding onto questions and topics we should have been discussing.March 5, 2023 at 4:30 am #416015
no we weren’t really resolving anything, think we just fell in the pattern of enjoying each others company when we were together and buried what we really needed to be talking about. She was doing therapy, not sure if she still is and if she is I’m not sure how much of it covers talking about her daughter. She did talk about it a little bit with me after I set this in motion but again it seemed like the abridged script and I think it’s a bigger, deeper topic than a 10 min chat. I think it became easy to put the blame on me due to the back and forth I was doing and I took a lot of the blame, although I shoulder some responsibility I’m beginning to see that how I was feeling and what I felt were valid too and it seemed them issues became non issues to her, but they were never fully resolved. I know seeing her now would not be good for either of us, we both need some time and space to reflect and work on ourselves, whether that leads to us talking in the future who knows. I need start getting a grip on why I feel anxious and looking at dealing with these issues around feeling guilty all the time.March 4, 2023 at 12:47 pm #416009
Thanks again for all the help Tee,
I think I struggled to open up to my parents through almost thinking how I was treated by my so called mates was normal behaviour maybe or maybe I was a little embarrassed to bring it up, whether through not wanting my parents to think there was a problem or me not wanting them to see I was having a problem. There were times my parents would pick up on things and would say such and such is not a good friend and they would sometimes not like some of my friends so maybe they picked up on some bits.
In the relationship, yeah I feel better for bringing everything up in some respects I suppose I’m having trouble dealing with the aftermath now, again feeling guilty for what I set in motion and guilty that I left and hurt my partner. I also get triggered by social media posts about guys who don’t appreciate the girl they had and lose them and how the girl is better off without them, so I guess I take this on myself as I have given up and I’m the bad guy. I think if I’m honest her relationship or lack of one with her child has always bothered me, or at least the fact she has never fought harder to be involved, but you’re right, now I feel guilty like I should be more understanding and accepting and it was my fault she never felt safe enough to open up. I do feel guilty for leaving and maybe it’s that guilt that is making me keep going back, like I need to make up for it, but then the issues why I left are still there.March 4, 2023 at 11:08 am #416007
I didn’t really confide in anyone just dealt with it myself and bottled it up I suppose, I used to talk to my dad about stuff if anything got majorly on top of me, but my terrible friends I tended to just put up with on my own.
I think I caused damage by instigating this on off cycle we have been in, it’s caused a lot of hurt to her and I’ve been getting anxiety about if I’m doing the right thing or not. I should have been more upfront about my concerns earlier and not sat on things as long as I did and perhaps made her feel safer about talking about her daughter.
She has just messaged asking if we need to talk as she must have seen me typing out one of the many messages on WhatsApp to her that I couldn’t send. Anxiety wave went through the roof and I was sweating as I didn’t know how to respond, maybe talking it all out would help clear the air, I just don’t want make things worse or create another cycle of hurt.March 4, 2023 at 4:36 am #416005
I suppose my friends would be classed as frenimies, they were friends until it suited and yes there would be name calling or ridicule, they were the type of friends who built them selves up by knocking someone else down.
I’m not sure what the best play in terms of my partner is, I miss her and wish I had handled things differently from the get go and avoided this messy on off situation. Family say I should leave it and move on but they aren’t in it I guess. If she opened up about her child I think it would be a big step. I just worry the damage is done to the relationship and we couldn’t repair. I don’t know whether to reach out to her or not as I don’t want cause either of us anymore hurt, but at the same time am I throwing something good away.March 3, 2023 at 12:35 pm #416002
Thanks again Tee,
I don’t really know where these trust issues come from, I can’t recall any major family related things, I have been trying to dig deeper in my therapy sessions and I’ve talked about how my friendship groups have never been reliable except the few really good mates I made in high school and have kept throughout my adult life. When I was younger, early teens and younger I people pleased to feel accepted among “friends” but they never turned out to be true friends and I often had my confidence knocked and let myself be pushed around and the butt of some jokes.
On the relationship front as hard as it is I’m trying give us both some space to avoid another on off cycle, if it’s meant to be hopefully it all works out even if we are apart at the moment. Just have to hope it’s not too late if I do reach out.