Forum Replies Created
March 5, 2023 at 8:56 am #416017
yeah this definitely correlates with me never speaking up for myself or asking things I felt I shouldn’t, this has been an issue throughout my life, I go with the flow or comprise myself and my thoughts to please others. I think early on in our relationship I don’t want to press her because of how much I liked her and didn’t want risk a break up, but this snowballed into me holding onto questions and topics we should have been discussing.March 5, 2023 at 4:30 am #416015
no we weren’t really resolving anything, think we just fell in the pattern of enjoying each others company when we were together and buried what we really needed to be talking about. She was doing therapy, not sure if she still is and if she is I’m not sure how much of it covers talking about her daughter. She did talk about it a little bit with me after I set this in motion but again it seemed like the abridged script and I think it’s a bigger, deeper topic than a 10 min chat. I think it became easy to put the blame on me due to the back and forth I was doing and I took a lot of the blame, although I shoulder some responsibility I’m beginning to see that how I was feeling and what I felt were valid too and it seemed them issues became non issues to her, but they were never fully resolved. I know seeing her now would not be good for either of us, we both need some time and space to reflect and work on ourselves, whether that leads to us talking in the future who knows. I need start getting a grip on why I feel anxious and looking at dealing with these issues around feeling guilty all the time.March 4, 2023 at 12:47 pm #416009
Thanks again for all the help Tee,
I think I struggled to open up to my parents through almost thinking how I was treated by my so called mates was normal behaviour maybe or maybe I was a little embarrassed to bring it up, whether through not wanting my parents to think there was a problem or me not wanting them to see I was having a problem. There were times my parents would pick up on things and would say such and such is not a good friend and they would sometimes not like some of my friends so maybe they picked up on some bits.
In the relationship, yeah I feel better for bringing everything up in some respects I suppose I’m having trouble dealing with the aftermath now, again feeling guilty for what I set in motion and guilty that I left and hurt my partner. I also get triggered by social media posts about guys who don’t appreciate the girl they had and lose them and how the girl is better off without them, so I guess I take this on myself as I have given up and I’m the bad guy. I think if I’m honest her relationship or lack of one with her child has always bothered me, or at least the fact she has never fought harder to be involved, but you’re right, now I feel guilty like I should be more understanding and accepting and it was my fault she never felt safe enough to open up. I do feel guilty for leaving and maybe it’s that guilt that is making me keep going back, like I need to make up for it, but then the issues why I left are still there.March 4, 2023 at 11:08 am #416007
I didn’t really confide in anyone just dealt with it myself and bottled it up I suppose, I used to talk to my dad about stuff if anything got majorly on top of me, but my terrible friends I tended to just put up with on my own.
I think I caused damage by instigating this on off cycle we have been in, it’s caused a lot of hurt to her and I’ve been getting anxiety about if I’m doing the right thing or not. I should have been more upfront about my concerns earlier and not sat on things as long as I did and perhaps made her feel safer about talking about her daughter.
She has just messaged asking if we need to talk as she must have seen me typing out one of the many messages on WhatsApp to her that I couldn’t send. Anxiety wave went through the roof and I was sweating as I didn’t know how to respond, maybe talking it all out would help clear the air, I just don’t want make things worse or create another cycle of hurt.March 4, 2023 at 4:36 am #416005
I suppose my friends would be classed as frenimies, they were friends until it suited and yes there would be name calling or ridicule, they were the type of friends who built them selves up by knocking someone else down.
I’m not sure what the best play in terms of my partner is, I miss her and wish I had handled things differently from the get go and avoided this messy on off situation. Family say I should leave it and move on but they aren’t in it I guess. If she opened up about her child I think it would be a big step. I just worry the damage is done to the relationship and we couldn’t repair. I don’t know whether to reach out to her or not as I don’t want cause either of us anymore hurt, but at the same time am I throwing something good away.March 3, 2023 at 12:35 pm #416002
Thanks again Tee,
I don’t really know where these trust issues come from, I can’t recall any major family related things, I have been trying to dig deeper in my therapy sessions and I’ve talked about how my friendship groups have never been reliable except the few really good mates I made in high school and have kept throughout my adult life. When I was younger, early teens and younger I people pleased to feel accepted among “friends” but they never turned out to be true friends and I often had my confidence knocked and let myself be pushed around and the butt of some jokes.
On the relationship front as hard as it is I’m trying give us both some space to avoid another on off cycle, if it’s meant to be hopefully it all works out even if we are apart at the moment. Just have to hope it’s not too late if I do reach out.March 3, 2023 at 11:45 am #415999
yeah any help with my negative mindset will help, I am naturally cautious of people and find it hard to trust, think this is part of the problem with my partner. Sometimes I feel I’m choosing to not trust what she tells me and it’s my issue, but I do think she is withholding about her kid and money regardless.
Im in a pretty negative place at the moment, missing her a lot but keep telling myself not to reach out for the wrong reasons such as just to make me feel better. Stuck in that weird mind loop where I think I will miss her in my life but don’t know if we should be together. It’s having an effect on my general well being, I’m wallowing and dwelling on everything rather than trying to be productive and look after myself.March 3, 2023 at 10:46 am #415997
thanks for all the replies, I know it’s hard for her to talk about and I have thought myself that when she needs advanced notice that she needs time to get to a calm frame of mind, but there was never any follow up, and she always put it on me for not asking. She even said once that I’d never asked about Ava during our relationship which was none sense because I’d tried to get her open up numerous times before. She was having therapy but I think she talked more about what was going on between me and her and she then said she was swapping therapists as that one wasn’t helping her but I don’t know if she ever found another.
I know I have my own issues to sort out as well but I think the relationship with her child especially has always sat uncomfortable with me, its like a part of her life she doesn’t want to deal with and is happy for her daughter to be out of sight out of mind. She has always said she wanted to work on our problems but I fear this will always be an area she doesn’t want to confront which spirals my doubts about us having kids.March 3, 2023 at 3:48 am #415993
yeah my concerns have been there and I have asked her about it and tried to get her talk about it, when it came to her debts she would just say they aren’t my concern and she is taking care of it and as long as bills were being paid why should I worry. I’ve tried to get her to open up about her daughter throughout the years but she just seems to give short answers and it never felt like the whole picture. I know her pregnancy was traumatic and the father has never been on the scene.
I suppose I did feel guilty for pushing and that I was judging her, that was never my intention I just wanted her to open up so I could better understand why that relationship is how it is. Whenever she did talk about it money or her child it seemed she thought the bare minimum explanation was enough or she would get upset, I didn’t want her to feel like I was interrogating so would let it go. She would say that for that type of conversation she needed advanced notice, which kinda sounded like she needed time to prepare answers she thought I would want to hear, not necessarily the whole truth.March 2, 2023 at 12:30 pm #415981
thanks for replying, in regards to those issues she has always spent a lot, parcels would always be arriving, she was always looking for the next trip away and wanting to eat out, she has said she has stopped spending as much but it’s hard to judge as I haven’t been there as much. She did email me a break down of her debts but my concern is she earns good money and what she showed me didn’t seem too bad so she could have easily cleared them over the last few years had she wanted, which made me think they are worse than she is leading me to believe, plus debt letters did arrive at the house now and again and she brushed it off if I asked if it was anything serious and if she was ok with her debt.
On her kid front, I have asked over the years what led to her not looking after her and she has said a little bit around the circumstances but never why her parents had permanent guardianship or why she has never wanted to build a proper relationship with her daughter. When we first got together she said her parents had her while she got her career on track but that hasn’t been the case, when we moved in together we did the spare room and she said it was so her daughter could stay over if she wanted, as far as I know she’s never even asked her. I’ve just always felt like I get parts of the puzzle and if I ask her more she gets upset or that I haven’t raised it in a productive way and she needs advanced notice for that kind of talk. My brain goes in overdrive though and makes it’s own narratives or thinks she needs advanced warning to prepare answers I deem acceptable or will easily accept.
I have never been pushy or demanding about her opening up, if anything I let the lack of transparency go on too long. My concern is if we had a child would she walk away from that child too, which I know is a horrible thought of someone you love.