Hey Tee,

no we weren’t really resolving anything, think we just fell in the pattern of enjoying each others company when we were together and buried what we really needed to be talking about. She was doing therapy, not sure if she still is and if she is I’m not sure how much of it covers talking about her daughter. She did talk about it a little bit with me after I set this in motion but again it seemed like the abridged script and I think it’s a bigger, deeper topic than a 10 min chat. I think it became easy to put the blame on me due to the back and forth I was doing and I took a lot of the blame, although I shoulder some responsibility I’m beginning to see that how I was feeling and what I felt were valid too and it seemed them issues became non issues to her, but they were never fully resolved. I know seeing her now would not be good for either of us, we both need some time and space to reflect and work on ourselves, whether that leads to us talking in the future who knows. I need start getting a grip on why I feel anxious and looking at dealing with these issues around feeling guilty all the time.

I didn’t really confide in anyone just dealt with it myself and bottled it up I suppose, I used to talk to my dad about stuff if anything got majorly on top of me, but my terrible friends I tended to just put up with on my own.

I think I caused damage by instigating this on off cycle we have been in, it’s caused a lot of hurt to her and I’ve been getting anxiety about if I’m doing the right thing or not. I should have been more upfront about my concerns earlier and not sat on things as long as I did and perhaps made her feel safer about talking about her daughter.

She has just messaged asking if we need to talk as she must have seen me typing out one of the many messages on WhatsApp to her that I couldn’t send. Anxiety wave went through the roof and I was sweating as I didn’t know how to respond, maybe talking it all out would help clear the air, I just don’t want make things worse or create another cycle of hurt.

Thanks again Tee,

I don’t really know where these trust issues come from, I can’t recall any major family related things, I have been trying to dig deeper in my therapy sessions and I’ve talked about how my friendship groups have never been reliable except the few really good mates I made in high school and have kept throughout my adult life. When I was younger, early teens and younger I people pleased to feel accepted among “friends” but they never turned out to be true friends and I often had my confidence knocked and let myself be pushed around and the butt of some jokes.

On the relationship front as hard as it is I’m trying give us both some space to avoid another on off cycle, if it’s meant to be hopefully it all works out even if we are apart at the moment. Just have to hope it’s not too late if I do reach out.

Hi Tee,

thanks for all the replies, I know it’s hard for her to talk about and I have thought myself that when she needs advanced notice that she needs time to get to a calm frame of mind, but there was never any follow up, and she always put it on me for not asking. She even said once that I’d never asked about Ava during our relationship which was none sense because I’d tried to get her open up numerous times before. She was having therapy but I think she talked more about what was going on between me and her and she then said she was swapping therapists as that one wasn’t helping her but I don’t know if she ever found another.

I know I have my own issues to sort out as well but I think the relationship with her child especially has always sat uncomfortable with me, its like a part of her life she doesn’t want to deal with and is happy for her daughter to be out of sight out of mind. She has always said she wanted to work on our problems but I fear this will always be an area she doesn’t want to confront which spirals my doubts about us having kids.

Hi Tee,

thanks for replying, in regards to those issues she has always spent a lot, parcels would always be arriving, she was always looking for the next trip away and wanting to eat out, she has said she has stopped spending as much but it’s hard to judge as I haven’t been there as much. She did email me a break down of her debts but my concern is she earns good money and what she showed me didn’t seem too bad so she could have easily cleared them over the last few years had she wanted, which made me think they are worse than she is leading me to believe, plus debt letters did arrive at the house now and again and she brushed it off if I asked if it was anything serious and if she was ok with her debt.

On her kid front, I have asked over the years what led to her not looking after her and she has said a little bit around the circumstances but never why her parents had permanent guardianship or why she has never wanted to build a proper relationship with her daughter. When we first got together she said her parents had her while she got her career on track but that hasn’t been the case, when we moved in together we did the spare room and she said it was so her daughter could stay over if she wanted, as far as I know she’s never even asked her. I’ve just always felt like I get parts of the puzzle and if I ask her more she gets upset or that I haven’t raised it in a productive way and she needs advanced notice for that kind of talk. My brain goes in overdrive though and makes it’s own narratives or thinks she needs advanced warning to prepare answers I deem acceptable or will easily accept.

I have never been pushy or demanding about her opening up, if anything I let the lack of transparency go on too long. My concern is if we had a child would she walk away from that child too, which I know is a horrible thought of someone you love.